I have.... questions

This blog is supposed to be about my mental health struggles/revelations/recovery, but since I started the day by literally vomiting after seeing the election results and taking a Xanax, my political concerns belong here. Comments of an abusive nature will be deleted.

I figured I should publish this before my 1st Amendment rights no longer protect me from publicly denouncing the government.  I guarantee this post will be considered treasonous before 2020.

My country and my fellow citizens have done things that I haven't agreed with in the past.  We've always been an interesting case study in cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and hypocrisy. We've waged war in other countries claiming it was for Peace and Freedom.  We've criminalized behaviors that should have never gone before a judge. We've picked and chosen which Constitutional rights apply to certain groups and which do not.


This.... this time it feels a little different.  I've been embarrassed to be American before.. but I've never been this fearful.

We... somehow?... elected a person who sees nothing wrong with criminalizing a religion.  He demands that everyone needs pay their fair share, but finds every possible way to get out of that himself.  He demonizes anyone who isn't white or not an attractive woman--- the attractive women are just there to please him.

There will a bevy of think-pieces exploring, once again, "not all Trump supporters".  I've said it before and I'll say it over and over again. If you have to defend something by saying "but not all_____", then you are either delusional or too fucking scared to look at yourself.  The non-selfish citizens of the United States just lost their federal government.  This isn't a Democratic vs. Republican statement; there are extremists on both sides.

Yes, I'm lumping anyone who voted for Trump as selfish. It's possible you may also be a misogynist, a bigot, a xenophobe, and/or a fascist.  But you are, without a doubt in my mind, selfish.  I really don't care if we've been best of friends or if we're family. You've shown your true colors and those colors disgust me.

Third-party voters?  I understand why you did it. I only hold you indirectly responsible for the next four years.  But you voted to make a difference and you tried to be ethical by not participating in the "lesser of two evils voting".  I don't agree with you-- even though all the polls seemed to point to a landslide Democratic win and a third party vote would express your discontent in reasonable way-- and I still respect you. Thanks for trying.

I'm part of a demographic who really shouldn't be all that affected by the Trump Administration.  I'm upper middle class, educated, white, and a housewife.  I'm also part of a demographic that could be affected:  I'm a woman who is currently disabled, fat, and a person who has a higher probability of developing one or more types of cancer.  My health and healthcare will most likely suffer under Trump's Administration and a Congress controlled by Republicans.

But, hey.... I'm a housewife whose childbearing years are ending so.... it's not like Trump or Congress would care anyway.

Overreacting is definitely part of my alphabet soup of disorders.  However, I've thought long and hard about all the possible problems of a Trump Presidency.  I've done research.  I've looked for trends.  I've tried to disprove the trends I found.  It's hard to not be biased, but I swear that I've done everything I could possibly think of to be objective. In no particular order, here are my main questions about what happens next:

1. Will my gay friends be allowed to remain married?
2. Will the fabulous gay couple who has adopted a bunch of underprivileged children be allowed to continue doing good?
3. Will my loved ones who have pre-existing conditions be able to afford the treatments they need?
4. Will anyone who isn't white be required to present documentation of their status upon request?
5. Will Muslims be allowed to live here?  I'm not questioning if they can come into the country, I'm asking if they will be allowed to exist within our borders.
6. Once Social Security is privatized or dismantled, will we have any rights at all to the money we've pay into it?
7. When the 1st Amendment is modified, will we still be allowed to read foreign news sites to learn what is really happening here and what we're actually doing abroad?
8. When the ACA is repealed, can my two children under 26 still be permitted to be covered on our insurance?
9. When the ACA is repealed and our premiums still don't go down (because why would insurance companies mess with their not-for-profit profits), who's fault does it get to be then?
10. Will women still be permitted to legally obtain birth control once abortion access is gone?
11. Will miscarriages be criminalized?
12. When we put America First, does that mean our education system, social services, and domestic humanitarian efforts will improve?
13. Will we have to pay for preventative care again?
14. When our economy tanks... oh wait. See question 11.  That's all related.
15. When Medicare and Medicaid are revamped.... oh wait. That's under question 11 too.
16. Do we even know what Law & Order really means?  Will arguing a speeding ticket become a felony?
17. Will we no longer have freedom of religion?
18. Will we have an official language?
19. What kind of protections will we have if we aren't white, male, cis, able-bodied, and of a Judeo-Christian faith?
20. If Trump is assassinated or decides he doesn't want to be President, will Pence really try institute conversion "therapy"?
21. Will the consequences for women not smiling on command be legal?
22. Will back-to-school shopping lists include Kevlar?
23. How long will my prison sentence be for not standing for the national anthem or refusing to pledge my allegiance?

None of these questions is snark.  I'm dead serious. I've heard every single one of these issues be discussed by those who support the extremes.

Make no mistake:   As of 1/20/2017, we are a nation of extremes and once Trump's Cabinet appointments are confirmed, there will not be a moderate in the line of succession as far as the eye can see.

Before you comment with "if you don't like it, leave", take a civics class.  If you don't like my position, then don't listen.

The Language of the Unheard

Disclaimer: I know not many people read this and those of you who do know me fairly well.  However, in case this post makes its way onto the screen of a stranger, let me clarify that the Black Lives Matter movement was part of a discussion during which I learned something about myself and should not be addressed in a comment.  This blog is supposed to be about how I’m processing the insights into the roots of my disorder. While I have some political ramblings on here, I’m trying to focus on what’s going on with me.  If you want to read and comment on my thoughts on our world, you can go here.

I tend to have extreme emotions to begin with but, my reactions to Black Lives Matter and Trump’s campaign have been completely over the top.  The demonization of BLM and the elevation of Trump’s ideology du jour feels like a personal attack on me, which is ridiculous.  The only targeted demographic that truly affects me on a personal level is Trump’s misogyny.  Still, the intense anger that overtakes my rationale when discussing either topic is perplexing.  My support for BLM and against Trump is justified on a logical level;  if I’m presented with a point by point list of each agenda, I can show-- calmly, rationally, respectfully-- where I stand on each and why. But when it comes to a verbal discussion, all sense of logic flies right out the window and doesn’t boomerang back until a mushroom cloud appears.   That’s not the best way to bring understanding and compassion to a subject.

A mushroom cloud appeared when I embarrassed myself, and probably my family, yesterday.  If you have seen any portrayal of an Italian-American family dinner and have gaped at how loud and intense the conversations can be, let me tell you, this really happens.  Yelling is how we communicate. About everything. Right down to who brought in the mail.  My role in the family is The Kid.   My cousin is also The Kid.  Respectively, we are 42 and 21 years old, but we are the youngest members of the local clan.  We are also much more introverted than the rest of the family. ( I’m going to pull my cousin out of this post for now since I cannot speak for her but wanted to mention that I’m not technically the youngest of the family.)  The Kid’s role in the family is to remember to “shut up and let the adults talk.”  While this is never actually said, it’s implied by various actions such listening to the first few words of my sentence and then either redirecting the conversation to someone/something else or cutting me off before I actually finish  my comment. Both actions have been happening to me at the dinner table my entire life. 

Most of the roots of my disorders need to be cut by being my own person. It is ok to assert myself I need to be confident in my thoughts, actions, and words.  I need to internalize that I am within my rights to express myself on any topic.  In return, others are allowed to dispute my points of view with their own.  This is how we learn.  This is how we come to understanding each other.  This is an integral part of a functioning society. Whatever label it’s given, conversations, discussions, debates, or fairly fought arguments over disagreements need to happen and they need to happen with respect.  If you are shown any disrespect, end the conversation and walk away until tempers have been controlled.  This is how I prefer to conduct myself. I’m not always good at it.  In fact, I failed miserably at my self-imposed decorum yesterday. 

However, my failure wasn’t because we disagreed.

A troublesome side effect of having Scrambled Brain is my lack of impulse control and how it likes to present itself at the most inappropriate times. I feel there’s a difference between acting inappropriately with someone who knows you well and someone who is an acquaintance.  Both deserve respect. However, if your manners bolt out the door with the former and if that’s not a habit, it’s easier to reconcile.  The latter isn’t aware that temper tantrums isn’t really your style.

Prior to this full-blown disorder, I would approach a debate with facts and logic:  “no, this is what the research states” and “explain to me why you believe that”.  Scrambled Brain has not only created a mess of the facts, but it likes to flip my Assert Yourself! Switch firmly into the On position.  That in itself isn’t a bad thing.  The problem is when my unconscious decides to fight a battle that isn’t the topic of discussion.

The discussion turned to Black Lives Matter and my opinion was in the minority of those voiced.  (DH feels the same way I do but he’s healthy enough to know when to speak and not.)  The discussion was heated— though, I honestly don’t think it’s easy for anyone to remain calm on this subject.    When I look back on it, I was the person I usually want to slap.  I wasn’t listening.  I wasn’t trying to understand.  I was more interested in saying what I had to say and dare anyone to tell me why I’m wrong.  That’s not who I want to be.  Ever.  About anything.   I was on the other side of how I expect myself to act. I was the disrespectful one and the gentleman, who, mind you, had some really good insights and points on the subject, did the adult thing and walked away.  Then I continued to argue with no one, but I was no longer talking about BLM. I was spewing frustrations over being told I’m wrong or dismissed before I finish expressing my point.  Let me get to that period or exclamation point and then have at it.  Please.

Yes, I apologized to him.  He did nothing wrong, really.  If I were in my right mind, I would have calmly requested that I be permitted to finish my comment and, from what I’ve observed, he probably would have complied. Instead, I raised my voice and slammed the table with every word.  The only thing good I can say is that my punctuated words were the rest of my statement rather than an attack on him.

I spent the next two hours crying and dissociating in and out before fell asleep for the night.

Aside from making a fool of myself and trying to explain this crazy disorder for the nth time in 4 years, I figured out why I become so blindly enraged when BLM is criticized.  I understand their frustration on a nonracial and nonlethal level. They aren’t Being Heard either. With every retort of ALL Lives Matter or Blue Lives Matter,  the fear and grief of the Black community is being dismissed. Yes, all lives and blue lives matter.  Of course they do. But when those phrases are used to drown out voices rather than addressing the matter at hand, they become nothing but a three word silencing mechanism.  Any response other than “I agree” to Black Lives Matter is morally, socially, and ethically flawed in some way.  The reason for that flaw will vary from person to person and has no place in this post. (Maybe I’ll write another on Medium…)

Trump does the same thing through different tactics. When his statement is challenged and he cannot provide backup for his belief, he turns to mockery, insults, and fearmongering.  Anyone who doesn’t agree with him is fair game. Believe it or not, I would actually have a tiny bit of respect for him if he didn’t constantly stoop to lower and lower levels in his attacks. (Side note:  I do NOT agree with him on anything. “Respect” is meant to convey that I’ll agree to disagree.)  His popularity enrages me.  The fact that I have family and friends who would actually vote for him brings me to terrified tears.  Trump’s form of dismissal is dangerous for every single living being on this planet.  

People love to quote Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during national racial conflict.  I’m going to stick with this one:  “A riot is the language of the unheard.”  If you are dismissing this statement with “I’ve never been so mad that I’ve rioted”, a) good for you; and b) you’ve never lost your temper and yelled at or punished your kids for not listening to you?  I’ve spent my entire life not Being Heard. Being Heard does not require agreement.  I require my point of view to be heard and considered.  I agree that I need to make sure Scrambled Brain doesn’t interfere with giving the same consideration to others.  My outburst yesterday, and in past arguments on a variety other subjects, stems from almost constant dismissal when trying to join a dinnertime discussion for as long as I can remember.  

A riot is the language of the unheard.

I think it’s time to hear each other.