But If You Didn't Do Anything Wrong...

For a perfectionist, nothing is more horrifying than the thought of screwing up.  Not even the actual screw up, just the possibility.  We spend so much time checking, rechecking, tweaking, returning to the original, etc. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse an extra time, just to be sure.

We've been surrounded by mixed messages.  First you get the encouragement: "Don't worry. Everyone screws up." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "If you do your best and it doesn't work, it's still fine."  But once a mistake is revealed?  "Well why weren't you paying attention?" "It's so simple." "How could you possibly miss that?"

Perfectionists hear about a new law/decree/task force/policy, and we immediately run through the possible problems. It's not that we're alarmist, we need the whole picture to understand what will be required of us.  We want to know what the ramifications will be if we miss something.

Perfectionists are info seekers.  We are data miners. We take the result and learn how all the pieces fit together. We try to make different pictures of those same pieces. We're lawyers, scientists, researchers, counselors, and historians all rolled into a neat package of frazzled nerves.

You see, we're the ones who laugh the loudest at the supposition of "If you didn't do anything wrong, then you have nothing to worry about."  We laugh because that is a simplistic argument that should be true. It isn't.  It's a lie we tell ourselves because we desperately want to believe if we follow all the rules, do our best, and avoid mistakes, we'll live happily ever after.

Bull. Shit.

Lies, damn lies, and statistics, right?

You can poll the exact same group of people multiple times and get vastly different results based on how a question is asked.  If you want a specific result, you practice wording the question to nudge answers in the desired direction.  It's a sophisticated manipulation.

Sometimes you have to start with raw data and draw conclusions from that.  First, you collect all the information available such as all the students in a school district. You take demographics-- age, economic bracket, parental situations, address, ethnicity, and the like; scholastic history-- grades, teachers, pedagogy, and so forth; extracurricular involvement-- sports vs drama vs art vs music vs community service; social environment-- cliques, after school jobs, friends from school, friends not in the district...

Lots and lots of data.  So much good can be done with this. But, for argument's sake, let's say that there's a particular guidance counselor a researcher doesn't like for whatever reason. This counselor's students have the highest college acceptance rates and are among the most well adjusted, well rounded kids in the district.  This counselor is doing everything the right way.   Dollars to donuts, the collected data will show this is a model counselor.

The data collected can also be grouped to show a myriad of reasons to fire them.

The collection of information is always-- always-- the first step for a bigger end game. Always. A plan enacted without the proper data will crash and burn.  Perfectionists know this.

When the person requesting the data is shady and when the task of collection is given to a person whose morals are also questionable, the resulting report will most likely be skewed.

Believe it or not, I've spent a good amount of time setting up for a very simple point.

If you didn't do anything wrong, you still have to worry about falling victim to another person's agenda.  Being a Good Person or a Law-Abiding Citizen does not protect you from harm.

This has been a passive-aggressive post.  Attribute this rant to whatever you wish.  I have no control over what you believe to be the source. This information is now public for anyone to draw any conclusion.

And that, reader, is my point.

General Nike of the Bootstrap Brigade

This is a general rant.  I’m stuck on my writing and I decided to just vomit all over this topic.


I’m feeling inadequate.  Not helpful.  A burden.

Depression demons are the worst.

Insight helps.  I actually know why I’m feeling like I do.  Understanding my reactions allows me to deal with them better. I’ve always been a big “why” person; I like knowing what makes things tick.  Theoretically, knowing how something is supposed to work makes it easier to fix the defective, but there’s another angle to this.  Sometimes it’s also so that you know to just accept the defect and learn to manage around it.

I get a lot of “why aren’t you better yet?” from the Bootstrap Brigade.    Leave me the fuck alone.

That’s easy to think and type.  Saying it— or a more polite version of it— is still difficult.

Being defensive doesn’t help me. I shouldn’t have to justify my process to anyone.  Yet I find myself faced with some version of “you aren’t doing enough” or “you should just_____”.   Guess what, folks. If involuntary, physical reactions take over, one does not have control over them.  Just like you can’t will your heart to stop and start on command, I cannot will my depth perception to stay steady, my body from shaking, and my mind from dissociating.  Nike slogans do not apply.

But but but.

I know.  Yes, CBT techniques retrain the brain and reactions.  I’m using them to manage the OCD. Currently I’m under the impression that getting a handle on the intrusive thoughts will cut down on what I’m calling “self-inflicted anxiety attacks”.   Depending on what’s happening around me, it can be difficult to remember to use the tools (unless you have a fabulous stepdaughter who is in the grocery store with you, realizes that you need a frozen orange and hands you a pint of ice cream to hold which breaks the cycle and makes you laugh).  I’m getting better at it.  It’s like anything that requires practice and remembering to practice brings up a whole slew of issues for me but that doesn’t matter.  I see it. I recognize it. I’m working at it. I’m “just do(ing) it”.  Thank you, Nike.

It’s the random anxiety attacks that still really piss me off and there are tools for these too but I’m not ready for them just yet.  Therapy is like going to the gym.  You have leg days, arm days, core days, cardio days, so forth and so on, except the days are counted in months.  Maybe years?  I don’t know.  I’m impatient and switch my focus often.  I know, I know… it’s not efficient but hey.  I’m a work in progress.

The random attacks annoy me because I’ve been in the Nike mode  for a few years.  I’m constantly, actively working on recovery. And it’s exhausting.  It’s disheartening to be having a fabulous day and suddenly have to deal with anxiety.  There’s no precursor to the attack that I’ve noticed.  No intrusive thoughts, no visual cues, nothing physical that triggers it.  It. Just. Happens. (Yeah yeah yeah… the unconscious is always at work, stirring up trouble, yada yada yada.  I’m ranting about it. Leave me alone.)

Here are the key sentences to all this:  My plate is full enough. I am handling what I can, when I can. If my process isn’t fast enough for you, I share your frustration. Now back the fuck off and stop adding more stress to my life.

I have.... questions

This blog is supposed to be about my mental health struggles/revelations/recovery, but since I started the day by literally vomiting after seeing the election results and taking a Xanax, my political concerns belong here. Comments of an abusive nature will be deleted.

I figured I should publish this before my 1st Amendment rights no longer protect me from publicly denouncing the government.  I guarantee this post will be considered treasonous before 2020.

My country and my fellow citizens have done things that I haven't agreed with in the past.  We've always been an interesting case study in cognitive dissonance, confirmation bias, and hypocrisy. We've waged war in other countries claiming it was for Peace and Freedom.  We've criminalized behaviors that should have never gone before a judge. We've picked and chosen which Constitutional rights apply to certain groups and which do not.


This.... this time it feels a little different.  I've been embarrassed to be American before.. but I've never been this fearful.

We... somehow?... elected a person who sees nothing wrong with criminalizing a religion.  He demands that everyone needs pay their fair share, but finds every possible way to get out of that himself.  He demonizes anyone who isn't white or not an attractive woman--- the attractive women are just there to please him.

There will a bevy of think-pieces exploring, once again, "not all Trump supporters".  I've said it before and I'll say it over and over again. If you have to defend something by saying "but not all_____", then you are either delusional or too fucking scared to look at yourself.  The non-selfish citizens of the United States just lost their federal government.  This isn't a Democratic vs. Republican statement; there are extremists on both sides.

Yes, I'm lumping anyone who voted for Trump as selfish. It's possible you may also be a misogynist, a bigot, a xenophobe, and/or a fascist.  But you are, without a doubt in my mind, selfish.  I really don't care if we've been best of friends or if we're family. You've shown your true colors and those colors disgust me.

Third-party voters?  I understand why you did it. I only hold you indirectly responsible for the next four years.  But you voted to make a difference and you tried to be ethical by not participating in the "lesser of two evils voting".  I don't agree with you-- even though all the polls seemed to point to a landslide Democratic win and a third party vote would express your discontent in reasonable way-- and I still respect you. Thanks for trying.

I'm part of a demographic who really shouldn't be all that affected by the Trump Administration.  I'm upper middle class, educated, white, and a housewife.  I'm also part of a demographic that could be affected:  I'm a woman who is currently disabled, fat, and a person who has a higher probability of developing one or more types of cancer.  My health and healthcare will most likely suffer under Trump's Administration and a Congress controlled by Republicans.

But, hey.... I'm a housewife whose childbearing years are ending so.... it's not like Trump or Congress would care anyway.

Overreacting is definitely part of my alphabet soup of disorders.  However, I've thought long and hard about all the possible problems of a Trump Presidency.  I've done research.  I've looked for trends.  I've tried to disprove the trends I found.  It's hard to not be biased, but I swear that I've done everything I could possibly think of to be objective. In no particular order, here are my main questions about what happens next:

1. Will my gay friends be allowed to remain married?
2. Will the fabulous gay couple who has adopted a bunch of underprivileged children be allowed to continue doing good?
3. Will my loved ones who have pre-existing conditions be able to afford the treatments they need?
4. Will anyone who isn't white be required to present documentation of their status upon request?
5. Will Muslims be allowed to live here?  I'm not questioning if they can come into the country, I'm asking if they will be allowed to exist within our borders.
6. Once Social Security is privatized or dismantled, will we have any rights at all to the money we've pay into it?
7. When the 1st Amendment is modified, will we still be allowed to read foreign news sites to learn what is really happening here and what we're actually doing abroad?
8. When the ACA is repealed, can my two children under 26 still be permitted to be covered on our insurance?
9. When the ACA is repealed and our premiums still don't go down (because why would insurance companies mess with their not-for-profit profits), who's fault does it get to be then?
10. Will women still be permitted to legally obtain birth control once abortion access is gone?
11. Will miscarriages be criminalized?
12. When we put America First, does that mean our education system, social services, and domestic humanitarian efforts will improve?
13. Will we have to pay for preventative care again?
14. When our economy tanks... oh wait. See question 11.  That's all related.
15. When Medicare and Medicaid are revamped.... oh wait. That's under question 11 too.
16. Do we even know what Law & Order really means?  Will arguing a speeding ticket become a felony?
17. Will we no longer have freedom of religion?
18. Will we have an official language?
19. What kind of protections will we have if we aren't white, male, cis, able-bodied, and of a Judeo-Christian faith?
20. If Trump is assassinated or decides he doesn't want to be President, will Pence really try institute conversion "therapy"?
21. Will the consequences for women not smiling on command be legal?
22. Will back-to-school shopping lists include Kevlar?
23. How long will my prison sentence be for not standing for the national anthem or refusing to pledge my allegiance?

None of these questions is snark.  I'm dead serious. I've heard every single one of these issues be discussed by those who support the extremes.

Make no mistake:   As of 1/20/2017, we are a nation of extremes and once Trump's Cabinet appointments are confirmed, there will not be a moderate in the line of succession as far as the eye can see.

Before you comment with "if you don't like it, leave", take a civics class.  If you don't like my position, then don't listen.

Truth, Justice and the Lost American Way

Do me a favor and read this with an open mind.

I completely agree that Daesh is a threat. I agree we need to protect ourselves. I support all the (current) amendments of the US Constitution even though I don't agree with the language of some.  In fact, I'm a little like Superman.  I believe in Truth, Justice and the American Way.

Well.... that last part is getting a little murky and we really need to pick a direction.

Without being an expert on anything but my own point of view, let me explain.

It's a basic human survival technique to have an immediate reaction of "how does this affect me" even if those words never form in our consciousness.  It's impossible to avoid and it really doesn't need to be avoided. The important part is to actually recognize that it is, in fact, the reaction we have.

We have a strong reaction to the terrorist attacks in Paris for several reasons. What happened in Paris can easily happen in any of our cities. 14 years later, anyone who was in lower Manhattan or on the west side of the Pentagon knows somewhere in their bodies are tiny particles of those who had died simply because the air around them was inhaled.  We react more to Paris than Beirut because we identify more with Parisians.  Our cultures are similar. Any one of the victims is someone we can point to and say they are just like us.  But the Lebanese are viewed as different.  They aren't like us. They live in a part of the world where bombings are not news. We're callous about it.  We accept their deaths in the same way we shake our heads at American towns torn up by tornadoes or flooded by hurricanes. Maybe those of us in the Northeast are a little more sympathetic to hurricane victims after Sandy battered us, but, in general, we still see it as something that doesn't really happen to us. That's what happens when you live there.



The American Way is traditionally defined as our national ethos of "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." Quick social studies reminder here: that's not from our constitution.  Thomas Jefferson put those words into our Declaration of Independence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Such a powerful statement.

Of the three unalienable rights explicitly named in the Declaration of Independence, which is the most important?  All are.... but... without defending Life, there is no reason to defend the others.   Basic blanket statement here is if you're not alive, then all other rights are irrelevant.  Right?  Can we agree on that?  Doesn't matter if we have Liberty if we're dead. We want to wage war against Daesh because they are a threat to our lives.  I can't really argue against that.  I don't plan to.  I don't believe in war but I also don't believe in shrugging my shoulders while waiting to be attacked. Yes, I know the statistics.  I know my personal chance of being killed by Daesh is a fraction of a percent. I'm more likely to be killed by my cat tripping me.  Yet I still support protecting us. I think most people would err on the side of protection versus harm. Life=good. Death=bad.  Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Less than a week after the Paris attacks, 31 states have declared they do not want Syrian refugees within their borders.  Thirty-one.  That is 62% of our country rejecting Emma Lazarus's poem engraved on our gift from France to protect our Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness against a possible Daesh attack.  Whether you agree with those governors or not, it's an impressive show of solidarity in an effort to protect our Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness.

A video labeled as an "amazing response" to "not all Muslims" was posted on Facebook this morning.   I can't stand videos but I watched it because I am interested in hearing what people think and it was posted by someone I respect.  I thought there was some decent logic so I found a transcript (same link) to share with you:

“We portray Islam and all Muslims as bad, but there’s 1.8 billion followers of Islam,” American University law student Saba Ahmed said.

Gabriel replied that “of course not all of them are radical,” before comparing Islamic extremists to other groups in world history, noting how the peaceful majority were irrelevant in each instance.

“When you look throughout history, most Germans were peaceful, yet the Nazis drove the agenda and, as a result, 60 million died,” she said. “Almost 14 million in concentration camps — 6 million were Jews. The peaceful majority were irrelevant.”

“On Sept. 11, we had 2.3 million Arab Muslims in the United States. It took 19 hijackers, 19 radicals, to bring the United States to its knees … the peaceful majority were [sic] irrelevant,” she added. “So for all our powers of reasons and us talking about moderate and peaceful Muslims, I’m glad you’re here. But where are the others speaking out?”

It's a little hard to disagree with that, up until her very last sentence; a person with any type of news outlet can find the others speaking out without much effort at all.  There is a case for the peaceful majority being irrelevant when preserving our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Let's stick with that idea for a moment.

Some Americans are willing to call the peaceful majority irrelevant to keep us safe.  Some are also completely fine with losing some of our Liberty to preserve Life. None of us likes to go through TSA checks but we've all heard "hey... if it keeps us safe....."  Some of us don't believe these checks do very much. Some of us do. Some support the PATRIOT Act.  Some cover the webcam on our computers to grasp the little bit of the privacy we have left.  

Another phrase we've all heard is "well... if it prevents even one terrorist attack, it's worth it."

Ok. I'll go with that.

Why does this acceptance only apply to protecting us from jihadist terrorism?

Why are we not consistent in protecting our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness?  Why is the peaceful majority given center-stage priority after each mass shooting in our schools?  Why does Liberty suddenly take precedence over Life when citizens are slaughtered in churches, movie theaters, shopping malls, first grade classrooms?  Why is Liberty more important than the Life of someone seeking healthcare or shelter or food?

The death of (currently) 129 people in Paris has prompted America to band together against the Enemy. It's a natural reaction. Is it an overreaction?  Maybe. I don't know. It's not black or white. There are Americans fighting for legislation to keep refugees out, documenting Muslims in our country, demanding that we stand up to fundamentalism.... And only a handful of states have taken domestic terrorism seriously.

If we're going to go to extremes protect our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, can we please do it across the board?

SUPER BLOOD MOON!!! & President Trump

Maybe I'm just jaded, but I'm getting sick of the "THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL______!!!!"  Why do we need everything to be bigger, better and super special and if you Don't See It NOW, you'll Regret It For The Rest Of Your LIFE YOU LOSER!!!

If yelling "fire" in a crowded theater is illegal and dangerous, why are we not reeling in the sensationalism of just about everything else? I understand not causing a dangerous stampede, but isn't inducing random bits of panic just as bad? Isn't the correlation between stress and health problems well documented? Phrases and tones meant to draw you in to watching this specific news program, read this specific article, listen to this specific candidate are getting louder and more threatening with each announcement. I'm sure most of us ignore it, but what about the unconscious effect?  I don't know the current statistic but aren't a good number of us on antidepressants and sedatives, or should be?  I live a suburban, upper middle class life. Why should I be depressed or anxious? It's not the fault of the Eyewitness News urgent story on why kale may not be the superfood experts thought it was and how it can actually harm you.  (But News At Eleven!!!!) I have other issues I'm working on. However, I'm fairly certain these micro-controversies reinforce a tiny unconscious notion that everything will kill us, everyone is lying, and no one can tell the difference.  Eventually we either don't believe anything at all or are convinced that drinking specially formulated salt water is the key to lasting health.

It seems like water drip torture. One tap in the same spot over and over will either drive you insane or become excruciatingly painful. Sensationalism is our very own long term Shock and Awe campaign. Yes, I know Shock and Awe is also called "rapid dominance" so labeling it long term is essentially a contradiction. The desired effect is the same: "paralyze the enemy's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight." The battlefield is our attention and the will to fight is our sense of truth. The best case scenario is we waste two hours watching Geraldo open up Capone's vault.  What a worst case? President Trump.

Donald Trump's current claim to fame is that he "tells it like it is" and it's getting him enough attention to cause some of us to seriously explore expatriation after November 8, 2016.  Whether or not a person agrees with The Donald's opinions is secondary to how much that person will support him because he "tells the truth." Many people forget that his "it" and "truth" is really only his opinion and not fact.  (Side note: I'm generally in favor of unapologetic bluntness for serious issues. I am strongly opposed to unsupported generalizations being passed off as fact to play on a person's fears.) Our sense of truth has been so derailed that this guy actually looks a good choice to some people.

I've gotten completely off topic again.  Usually at this point I'd either shelve the post or pull out the tangent for another post. I'm leaving it because of the tangent makes sense to me and it's what's on my mind.

This is the strangest post about the lunar eclipse, isn't it?  That's how it started.  I was reading piece after piece about how we'll never have another "Super Blood Moon Eclipse" until TWO THOUSAND THIRTY THREE!!!!! 

Folks.

That's in 18 years.

It's a significant amount of time but unless you're in poor health or getting close to a traditional age of decline, you'll probably be around for the next one. And that's all I really wanted to say.

Regardless, if your skies are clear, go take a look.  If you're on the East Coast of the Americas, eclipse will peak at 10:47pm--- which is a treat considering I remember most peaks being in the wee hours of the morning. 

On a spiritual level, we get to experience a full lunar cycle in one evening and a fantastic time for Moon Magic.