It's the little things....

The "little things in life" that warm our hearts and restore our faith in humanity are the stories of baby animals rescued from storm drains, the patron ahead of you who pays for your coffee, and the tweens up the block who shovel for the elderly without expecting to be paid.

I love those stories. They do exactly what they are meant to do. When we say "it's the little things",  it's because we see it, we accept it, we let it swell in our hearts, and our moods are lifted just enough to get back to work. I firmly believe that every news broadcast should be ended with a "happy" story.  It would give us the strength to fight against the wrongs when we remember all is not entirely hopeless.

Be the change you want to see in the world. (By the way, there is no real evidence that Gandhi said this. This op-ed explains this and other misquotes.) Misquoted or not,  it's a good start.  I've watched parents try to teach their children by example.  It's a long, long, LONG process.  It's frustrating to the point of wanting to scream, "Just tell them what to do already!!!"  Children are not little mind-readers--- except in some instances when they are like the family pet who suddenly knows it's time to go to the vet. 

The idea of instructing by example rather than an issued statement of rule is a way to help a child's sense of what is and isn't acceptable grow without instilling fear.  I'm willing to bet just about every parent would prefer their child cleans their room out of a sense of self-respect rather than threats of punishment. This doesn't always work.  In fact, parents reading this may be hyperventilating from laughter by now.  I get it. The concept is good. The concept works better with somethings than with others.

Observe your family of origin and then examine your own habits.  You may be surprised to see just how many things you've unconsciously picked up simply from being exposed to them over and over.  There are behaviors I have that definitely developed from threats and not adhering to 35-year-old rules beat into my head (and, sometimes, hiney) push me into anxiety attacks.  The anxiety stops me in my tracks, the rule isn't followed,  I get more anxious, and, finally, depression takes over.  I repeat this until I can muster the strength to either do the thing or accept that it doesn't matter if the rule is followed because I'm no longer 7.

I also do things because I was taught on an unconscious level. They're little things, usually.  For example, when I wash my hands in a public restroom and paper towels are available, I dry off the counter. I do not think I was ever instructed to do this, but I've seen it done so many times while growing up that I've unconsciously determined "this is the proper behavior in a public restroom".   If someone is upset, I offer sweet treats even though my conscious mind is acutely aware that teaches to seek comfort from an outside source.  (The scale makes me aware of this too.)

It's the little things we observe every day that seep into our unconscious and manifest in our behaviors, beliefs, and judgments of others. (Don't argue with me that you don't judge people. We all do it because we've determined some judgments, right or wrong, are socially acceptable.)

The little things that shape us are often witnessed in society and their messages are unintentional. The person/culture/company is more than likely unaware they are contributing to anything beyond their specific intent.  A company wants an ad campaign that will sell their product. A cultural tradition is observed without examining its effects on the environment or another culture.  A person insists that their child "give Aunt Edna" a kiss so that Aunt Edna's feelings aren't hurt.

I think I just heard a collective "huh?" from that last example.

It's the little things that teach us what is expected and those lessons are carried with us throughout our lives.  Little, seemingly innocuous things: a pale, blonde, thin, woman dressed in white selling facial cleansers; the tattooed Latino drug dealer in that movie; the shoot first/ask later police drama; the hero whose interrogation techniques include torture and he saves the day.

It's these little things we see over and over that normalize specific scenarios. If you scramble to defend the examples above but gasp when a show/commercial/movie/book depicts a same-sex romance, ask yourself why. 

Before I get back to giving Aunt Edna a kiss, here is a semi-related tangent from "the little things":

This is not about "everyone's offended about everything".  Labels such as "outrage culture" diminish the importance of understanding how these little things set the tone for society.  It is worth noting that bring attention to something that could contribute to a harmful perception is not always outrage. Outrage comes after numerous polite statements of "Hey. This is harmful and here is why."  If you think people have been skipping the polite statement phase, look at the issue.  Is it a variation of something else that's been said for years?  Decades?   Does it matter that Archaic Greeks wore their hair in dreadlocks when dreads are most associated with Black culture?  It's good for trivia night, but that's about it. It is still cultural appropriation when specific parts of a culture are exalted while still discriminating against the culture as a whole.  (For what it's worth, dreadlocks were first associated with ancient Indian and Egyptian cultures, so European dreads came after Asian and African dreads.)

Pointing something out as potentially problematic does not always mean you need to cease and swear off whatever it is. If a phrase, decoration, depiction, style, advert, artistic expression, [insert whatever I missed here*] is critizied as insensitive or harmful, try to understand why instead of automatically getting pissed off that someone else has an opinion.  If you don't want to understand, then by all means, continue being disrespectful. I'm not responsible for you.  

* and my apologies for missing something of importance to you

Let's get back to kissing Aunt Edna. I've spent the last year examining how "little things" contribute to my own behaviors and have expanded to looking at its effects on society over the past few months. I read something on Twitter last week that struck a cord.

There is no doubt that November has been an impromptu Sexual Harassment and Assault Awareness month. Even if you are not a news junkie, some, if not all, of the stories have reached under whatever rock we've been trying to hide under.  I'm not going to get into why survivors "wait so long" to come forward nor the victim-blaming bullshit I've been seeing.  Those are other posts on their own, and I just don't have the strength for it right now.  

I'd like to address the "well why did she let him" and it's cousin comment "I would have smacked him then and there". (Side note:  I'm using she/him because using the gender-neutral they/them will get seriously confusing. Be assured that I know assault/harassment/abuse is experienced and committed by all genders and nonbinary people.)

The Twitter thread was regarding consent and who should be responsible for teaching it.  I'm not going to post the whole thread--- if you're interested in reading more, scroll through his thread archive.

Read that last screenshot again. Have you ever thought of it that way before?  While I've been consistently telling children who are ordered to hug or kiss me that it's ok if they don't want to, I never made the connection that Isaac did. There is not a parent that I know who tells their child to hug or kiss so-and-so with the intention of teaching them to participate in submissive behavior.

But.....

"Boys will be boys."  "He's mean to you because he likes you." "That's just how is he." "Your clothing is distracting."  "Don't be so sensitive." "Women are so emotional."

"I bought you a drink so I deserve a kiss."

We've been taught from an early age to let things go, to accept whatever excuse is used to dismiss our complaints. The training lasts into adulthood, and unless you've been in a specific situation, you can not say what you would do with absolute certainty.  Stay quiet while the boss makes sexist jokes? Laugh off the "accidental" glide over your ass. Give the person who bought that drink a quick little peck because it might be the fastest way to appease them and get away?

Oh.  So just don't force your girls to kiss Aunt Edna?  Are the boys fine?

Hell no. 

The boys absorb the other "little things".  "Real men don't cry." "Man up!" "Be aggressive and go after what you want!"  When you demand your boy should kiss Aunt Edna, he's still learning that his feelings are not valid. He's still learning that personal space and boundaries are arbitrary. It's the rest of their "training" that leads to adults who deserve a kiss because he spent money.

You put the person who was taught to let things slide with the person who was taught to be aggressive and get what they deserve? You get stories about being raped in a parking lot 30 years after the fact.

It's the little things.

The little things can lift your spirits for the moment.

The little things can also rip your life to pieces.

But If You Didn't Do Anything Wrong...

For a perfectionist, nothing is more horrifying than the thought of screwing up.  Not even the actual screw up, just the possibility.  We spend so much time checking, rechecking, tweaking, returning to the original, etc. Rinse. Repeat. Rinse an extra time, just to be sure.

We've been surrounded by mixed messages.  First you get the encouragement: "Don't worry. Everyone screws up." "Don't be so hard on yourself." "If you do your best and it doesn't work, it's still fine."  But once a mistake is revealed?  "Well why weren't you paying attention?" "It's so simple." "How could you possibly miss that?"

Perfectionists hear about a new law/decree/task force/policy, and we immediately run through the possible problems. It's not that we're alarmist, we need the whole picture to understand what will be required of us.  We want to know what the ramifications will be if we miss something.

Perfectionists are info seekers.  We are data miners. We take the result and learn how all the pieces fit together. We try to make different pictures of those same pieces. We're lawyers, scientists, researchers, counselors, and historians all rolled into a neat package of frazzled nerves.

You see, we're the ones who laugh the loudest at the supposition of "If you didn't do anything wrong, then you have nothing to worry about."  We laugh because that is a simplistic argument that should be true. It isn't.  It's a lie we tell ourselves because we desperately want to believe if we follow all the rules, do our best, and avoid mistakes, we'll live happily ever after.

Bull. Shit.

Lies, damn lies, and statistics, right?

You can poll the exact same group of people multiple times and get vastly different results based on how a question is asked.  If you want a specific result, you practice wording the question to nudge answers in the desired direction.  It's a sophisticated manipulation.

Sometimes you have to start with raw data and draw conclusions from that.  First, you collect all the information available such as all the students in a school district. You take demographics-- age, economic bracket, parental situations, address, ethnicity, and the like; scholastic history-- grades, teachers, pedagogy, and so forth; extracurricular involvement-- sports vs drama vs art vs music vs community service; social environment-- cliques, after school jobs, friends from school, friends not in the district...

Lots and lots of data.  So much good can be done with this. But, for argument's sake, let's say that there's a particular guidance counselor a researcher doesn't like for whatever reason. This counselor's students have the highest college acceptance rates and are among the most well adjusted, well rounded kids in the district.  This counselor is doing everything the right way.   Dollars to donuts, the collected data will show this is a model counselor.

The data collected can also be grouped to show a myriad of reasons to fire them.

The collection of information is always-- always-- the first step for a bigger end game. Always. A plan enacted without the proper data will crash and burn.  Perfectionists know this.

When the person requesting the data is shady and when the task of collection is given to a person whose morals are also questionable, the resulting report will most likely be skewed.

Believe it or not, I've spent a good amount of time setting up for a very simple point.

If you didn't do anything wrong, you still have to worry about falling victim to another person's agenda.  Being a Good Person or a Law-Abiding Citizen does not protect you from harm.

This has been a passive-aggressive post.  Attribute this rant to whatever you wish.  I have no control over what you believe to be the source. This information is now public for anyone to draw any conclusion.

And that, reader, is my point.

That, Ladies and Gentlemen, Is How You Win Elections.

What are we doing to each other?

I'm in the midst of Emotional Burnout. How about you?  How are you feeling?

The holidays are difficult for more people. I don't know if it's actually harder for those of us with mental illnesses because I can't remember a time in my adult life when I wasn't in that category.  I look forward to quiet solitude of Yule. I try to spend the day in reflection and it's even better if my friends can gather to celebrate that evening.  Christmas Eve in the past had been an open house party at my aunt and uncle's home.  It's a lot of fun-- friends and neighbors come and go all night. There's music and fabulous food and a visit from Santa.  My poor aunt is usually half-dead the next day (because the women in my family, including me, have NO concept of "enough") but it's always an incredible celebration.  However, I've been missing it. The last time I participated was just a few months after my breakdown.  I know I went, but I don't remember any of it. After we were married, my Christmas Eve changed a bit. Instead of partying at my aunt's and the rest of Fairfield County, CT, our (adult) kids have been coming over to spend the evening together and alone.  As much as I miss going to the party, I enjoy this new tradition. We play music and work on a 1000 piece puzzle as a family. It's a great time to reconnect for more than a span of a quick dinner visit. Nuclear Family Time.  I look forward to spending time with them like that.

As I get my shopping and baking and decorating and donating duties together, I can't get into the spirit of the season.  Peace on Earth? Good will toward men?  Where?  Certainly not here in America.

I hate political campaigns. There's never a candidate that seems ideal to me. I want someone who shares my values but understands that not all personal beliefs should be law. It would be nice but it's not in the alignment with what our American Values are "supposed to be": the Freedom to live as each sees fit.  This year, the amount of hate being spewed is disgraceful and dangerous. I honestly have no idea if it's worse than usual, but I'm very aware of it this time.

I hear our potential Presidential candidates and I remember two specific quotes from The American President.

"They don't have a choice! Bob Rumson is the only one doing the talking! People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand."  "Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference."

We're drinking a LOT of sand lately. Maybe we should choke on it.  Maybe that's the only way to get past the hate.

"We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections".

 Let's read part of that one again. "... making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections".

We live with real threats every day. We should take steps to protect ourselves. We should also step back and reexamine our fears. I have to do this on a daily basis. OCD is the "doubting disease". Couple that with crippling anxiety and I'm useless.  I'm learning to ask "what am I afraid of" and "is the magnitude of fear justifiable".  When a fear is raw, I get caught up in reasoning what is possible versus probable.   The formula is rather simple: "the stereotype of x does not equal always y."  Learning to believe it is different.

Just think about it. If a subject gets you riled up, stop and think about why.  Is your why real? Is it exaggerated?  If you feel your answer is simple, I can guarantee you haven't examined it. 

Peace on Earth.

Good will toward all.

Walk This Way

One of the side effects of therapy is I see more than just my issues in a new light. It's not always a great experience. Whether or not these new discoveries are more accurate than my previous position, they can never been fully dismissed again.  Maybe that's also a side effect of having OCD.  Either way, the kaleidoscope spins and the pattern is never the same.

Of course therapy is only one way to change your thinking. The positive part of this is that it's voluntary.  You have to do the work in your sessions to get insight. Insight has been explained to me as the understanding reasons you've been intellectualizing-- the difference between "knowing" something and "feeling" it. Insight is the goal in therapy; once you've gained it in relation to your problems, you can learn to deal with them better.  It's not a cure. It's the step necessary to loosen the vise grip your mind has on your issues.

Life in general changes your perception but this is a much more gradual and unconscious method that is usually based on emotion rather than fact. We let our emotions twist what we see into what we want to believe. It's dangerous because we are entirely too susceptible to manipulation and none of us wants to believe that.

Society shrieks at the thought of manipulation without seeing the subtle influence of just about everything around us. Once we start to see it, we push it away with all our strength because we've been conditioned to believe Being Wrong is a Fate Worse Than DEATH. It all starts with that confident response we all have: "I'm not being manipulated."

Sad truth:  we all are. I'm not sure how to find the balance between healthy awareness and paranoia. I seem to always take things to extremes. (Cue Billy Joel...)

 I rolled my eyes at all the hot topics that would obviously lead to the end of the world. Video games are too violent!! Explicit lyrics!! Sex on TV!!  BARBIE!!!!  Honestly? I never gave a conscious thought to Barbie's measurements. At 5 years old I was singing Roxanne without understanding a word of it and at 12 I was rapping along with Run DMC's cover of Walk This Way still completely oblivious.  I listen to the lyrics now and wonder why my pre-teen self wasn't chewing on a bar of Ivory soap. Did this cause me harm?  I don't think so, but I can't be sure because there isn't a control group for my life. Surely we were taking it all too seriously and if we just raise our kids right then what they watch/listen/play/see/read wouldn't have a negative effect. There's truth to that... except parents are just as venerable to desensitization as the kids are. What we watch, listen to, and read all plays a role in who we are, whether we realize it or not. I don't advocate for stricter control over the media we consume-- though I'm a big fan of Content Warnings--- but I do think we need to be sure to discuss both the positive and negative influences. Why is the cast mostly white?  Male?  Females are only thin, gorgeous and rarely in charge? People of Color are the criminals?  POC who are not criminals had to overcome a rough youth?  Is it really ok to torture a suspect?  Do the ends really justify the means? If you think that's overboard or think that's political correctness gone mad, these discussions are how to raise your kids right.

Yes, this can all be taken too far.  There aren't government conspiracies hidden on a chewing gum wrapper, though I'm sure some conspiracies are true.  The person following you in the parking lot probably is just parked nearby, but be ready to defend yourself anyway.  And, more often than not, a homemade clock is just a clock.