Black, White, or Purple Words

Two or three years ago, I engaged in a Twitter debate with a Black gentleman.  He was discussing racism and I responded with something to the effect that we’re all human and focusing on race is detrimental to solving racist views. The intent behind my words was not argumentative. I was speaking from the heart and truly felt no aggression.  I was on the verge of tears that begged for us to stop judging and hurting each other.  I’d like to believe that’s what we ultimately want and said so. Over and over.  I don't know if this conversation was before the #BlackLivesMatter movement but, looking back at this conversation, I see I was firmly in the All Lives Matter camp.

As I spoke my mind (over and over) with this gentleman, I realized we were going in circles. I was telling him that being "colorblind" was a good thing because it meant not making assumptions about a person because on their race. He was telling me that I needed to recognize his Blackness. That idea went against every damn thing I was every taught and couldn't understand why this was preferable to him. So I did something radical: I asked him. "Tone gets lost here. Please know I'm not being aggressive. I want to understand. Could you please explain why?” I’m paraphrasing but he basically said being “colorblind” is essentially turning a blind eye to the racial problems we have. However, if I don’t (metaphorically) see color at all, then I’m not seeing the person as a whole being with specific and historical struggles. Yes, at one time or another, we all have been hated for something we intrinsically are. There’s not even a “but” to go with this.  It’s true. I’ve not met a single person who hasn’t had discrimination directed toward them in some way. I see myself as a rational and intelligent person; it took 30 some odd years of living, several years on social media and one very specific Twitter exchange for me to understand that intent doesn't really matter if you're not using the right words. There are both subtle and vast differences between discrimination and racism. I regret that I don’t remember his name. I regret not following him. I didn’t realize the impact his words would have on me.  As powerful as his words were, they still didn’t sink in for a few more days.

They. Still. Didn’t. Sink. In. For. A. Few. More. Days.

WHY?

 

I was still reacting rather than observing. I was spending too much time saying why I felt discussing racism begets more racism. I got so caught up in my own head, in my own reasons, in my own stance, in my own defense to see that all “my own_____” wasn’t being questioned. Take a look at the pronouns that are used when discussing racism. I’m a middle-aged, middle-class, and fairly well educated white woman; I don’t think I’m racist. However, when discussing racism, I have a strong tendency to refer to the “white point of view” with the pronoun “I” and the “black point of view” with “they” and “them”.  The Black community uses “we”-- and it's truly a community.  But my "we", meaning my fellow white people, turn discussions about racism into a direct criticism of our personal behavior.  If you’re white and defensive, your first reaction is probably “I don’t do that.” The irony is you just did. It makes a difference. If you haven't read John Metta's fabulous essay called I, Racist, click and read it. It blew me away and opened my eyes further.

 

Denial. Discomfort. Bitterness. Aggression. I see these negative reactions to the #BlackLivesMatter Movement.  I don't understand the resistance to embrace a campaign that lifts people up. Are we that afraid of change?  Of acknowledging white privilege exists? Of admitting guilty?  Again, the response is "I don't think I'm racist".  Just because I am not, it doesn't mean the entire country doesn't have a race problem. But I'm not qualified to educate anyone on racism.  I can only explain my own experiences. The concept of "being colorblind" as a harmful stance isn't something I ever thought about.  I see more and more articles on why this is a problem, but I'm not sure if this argument has been around for a while or if I'm just more aware of it.  I've been reading and listening to more diverse voices because I want to be aware.

 

Make no mistake; being aware is difficult. It hurts to look inside yourself, to see where your feelings really come from.  No one wants to admit fault. We all want to blame someone else because it's so much easier than dealing with a problem ourselves. That's why psychotherapy takes so damn long. After 15 years of therapy, I can say I know I get angry when people aren't punished because I've always had to deal with consequences.  It's petty and I don't like that about myself but I can't deny it. I can't help but wonder if the All Lives Matter crew can't get past being wronged somehow and have adopted "Why should you be respected if I'm not?"  This attitude of entitlement is bleeding into every area of our lives: "The PC police are taking over toys now!" "I will NOT call HIM Caitlyn!" "Thor CAN'T be female!" "James Bond CAN'T be BLACK!" "What about WHITE lives?"  "WHAT ARE WE OFFENDED BY TODAY, AMERICA????"  The more appropriate question is how can you not be offended?

Maybe instead of insisting what and how another person should feel, try asking.  Why does #BlackLivesMatter invoke whatever you're feeling?

I'll go first.  It makes me sad and frustrated that #BlackLivesMatter needs to exist.  It means we are still not listening and responding to each other with respect. My reaction is "Yes, Black lives matter. Why can't you see that and why can't we act accordingly?"  Do you want to know what I don't feel?  I don't feel slighted. I don't think that non-Black lives matter less. It's a statement of fact: Black lives matter.   If it were a comparative statement, it would be "Black lies matter more."  That's not the message. Please stop pretending it is.

 

I've been struggling with this post for a very long time. I don't want a pat on the back for trying to be a decent person. We have a problem with listening to respond rather than listening to understand.  If anything regarding #BlackLivesMatter bothers you, take time to understand why.  Ask questions and don't be defensive about the answers.  We need to be aware of how our words and actions affect each other.

 

Or else we're doomed.