Dear Twitter: We need to see other people.

I'm struggling.

My last post was preachy rather than introspective. My goal for this blog is definitely the latter. The problem is that I need an outlet for the rage, sadness, and guilt that develops from reading the news.

Maybe I should put a disclaimer somewhere on here stating that any preachiness is more of a general vent than instructions for what you should do.  I hate shoulding all over people and I don't appreciate it when they should on me.

The rage and sadness doesn't need to be examined. I know where it comes from. We treat each other horribly and then we police each other's reactions. Emotions are never wrong. We feel what we feel.  The problem has more to do with how we express our emotions and the expectation we have from others' expressions, boiling down to "I'm right and how you feel/react is wrong unless it's the same."

The guilt isn't so cut and dry. I'm very aware that my privileged allows me to walk away from the computer and go about my pretty damn good life.  I feel guilty that others can't.

It's important that I recognize the luxuries my privilege affords me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of privilege. My younger self defined it as "wealthy".  The kids in my private high school in the Bronx were there because of their entrance exam scores and most had financial aid. Our attendance wasn't because we were privileged-- we worked hard academically and our families busted their butts to pay for it.  (Note: This wasn't a boarding school and I'm referring to a time when private school tuition in NYC wasn't as high as some colleges.) The idea of privilege due to race never entered my mind probably because I'm white and we were the minority population.  I don't know if White Privilege was a term when I was a kid.  I can't recall hearing it used before the last maybe 10-15 years. Was I sheltered from the term?  Was it not a mainstream concept?  Did I just ignore anything that would have exposed me to it?  I have no idea.   But I'm here now.  I know what it means. I know I can't help that I was born white. 

I also know that I can't just shrug my shoulders, say "oh well", and not adjust my actions.

I was told this week that I'm taking things too seriously.  "Things" mean politics, racism, police violence, military engagements abroad, religious liberty claims and corporate practices.  My reaction is that we aren't taking them seriously enough.  However, I understand why this was said. I have a variety of mental health issues that are severe enough for the government to label me "disabled".  My recovery depends on me actively facing my issues.  I need to remember that I also need to protect myself. It's true that I get worked up and emotional and "crazy" when I'm overexposed to the news. I haven't figured out what the healthy medium is for me.  It's important to be informed and to speak out. It's also important to protect my sanity.  Without sanity, I can't be an effective voice against injustice.

I've been feeling better this week.  I'm still having attacks and extreme emotions but I've been more successful in managing them. Dissociative episodes don't have any evidence of being very long, but this is the most difficult symptom to track by myself.  I can't point to just one thing that has been different this week:  My husband isn't traveling for a while and his next business trip promises to be short.  I'm home.  I've been out of the house a few times.  I've spent more time off of social media.   It's this last difference that I can control more than other circumstances.  My OCD wants to rationalize that I had more social interactions offline this week and didn't feel the need to seek out digital companionship.  It sounds logical.  It may very well be the reason.  But OCD is the "doubting disease" so I also wonder if I feel well enough to have IRL interactions because I'm not stressing over what I read about on Twitter.  (I'm picking on Twitter because my Facebook feed is almost all posts by people I know IRL and am there to keep up with their lives.  Twitter is more of my informational feed.)   There's even the other possibility that since my mental health problems are cyclical, this just might be the week my mind is actually cooperating and resulting in me being less symptomatic.

This is where I run into trouble. Do I analyze why I'm doing better and try to replicate it or do I accept it as a sign that I'm simply improving?   If I don't attempt the former, then I feel that I'm not doing "everything that I can" to recover.  If I can't replicate it, then I get depressed.  If I do the latter, then I'm still not doing "everything that I can" to recover.  OCD is a cruel disorder.  But I want so desperately to be able to claim full recovery to the government before my next evaluation. Doing that would be such a sense of accomplishment and maybe even help others to not have to jump through moving hoops of fire to collect the money they gave to Social Security to hold until they needed it.

I've decided on trying to limit my involvement on Twitter. I don't know exactly what that means just yet because Moderation and I tend to not agree on much.  For those of you who follow me on Twitter, I still care.  I'll respond to DMs.  I'll check probably daily but not be glued to my feed. 

It's not you; it's me.  I'm not ignoring you.  I'm just trying to find my balance.