Fourth grade flew by and I’m convinced it was because of my
teacher. She had a way about her that got right to the heart of the matter and
we kids responded well to her. She was
unconventional and did things that would probably land her in court these days---
nothing horrible, but parents overreact when it comes to their kids. I remember a specific moment, maybe a screen
memory, where we were all huddled around her.
She explained how even when we are joking around with each other that
our words can hurt and unintentional hurt is just as bad as a conscious blow. I
was teased a lot as a kid (and as an adult) and I remember desperately wanting
some of my classmates to acknowledge how badly they’ve hurt me. Being that I’m sensitive, I’m sure some of it
was unintentional. My need for acknowledgement was so great that I decided to
prompt apologies with my own. I told
everyone that if I ever hurt them unintentionally, I didn’t mean it and that I
was sorry. No one else said anything. I looked around at our group who seemed
to have heard me but weren’t self-aware enough to follow my lead. Our teacher
looked me directly in the eye and thanked me. I think she was glad her words
impacted at least one of us. It didn’t
help my own hurt.
My adult ego tells me that while an unintentional hurt is
bad, I’m not responsible for how people interpret my words and actions. Years
of therapy has developed a self-awareness in me that the average person who has
never been in intensive therapy just doesn’t have. It is difficult to be able
to pinpoint an emotion, know it’s origin and be able to infer what’s behind the
words and actions of another. (The latter isn’t always accurate.) I’m torn
between believing if it’s the reaction or intention that truly matters in
society. I’m sure it’s some combination
but I don’t know how much weight to put on each part.
I still want acknowledgement. I still want those apologies for
unintentional hurts. I don’t know what getting them will accomplish. It feels
both necessary and empty.
I want to find the balance between caring and caring too
much. I feel that I’ve gotten past Worrying What Others Think Of Me but I’ve
noticed my reactions don’t match yet. My therapist recently asked me that if I
don’t Worrying What Others Think Of Me, then why do I push myself to the brink
of (and sometimes actually) breaking down to please them? My current answer is that I’ve been hurt so
much that I do not want anyone I love to be hurt by my words and actions. I know what it feels like and I just don’t
want to be responsible for inflicting it.
This brings me back to the intention/interpretation question. Where is
the line?
It’s a brand new year. Normally I think it’s fairly
ridiculous to consider this as a mystical clean slate. They don’t exist. We can’t
ignore our past to “start again”. I
prefer to embrace the past. It makes me
who I am and without it, I won’t be able to know myself. I’ve made a lot of progress this year and in
order to keep that going, I need to practice a little more self-care. When I
feel my anxiety rising, I need to ask “What is best for me?” The potential problem will be that I’ll say “no”
more than I have in the past and people aren’t used to that from me. I’ve already started. I declined to attend a party that I know was
very important to people I love. I’ve
been very symptomatic this week. I think it would be better for me to bow out
than to force myself to go, have an anxiety attack, make others uncomfortable,
and then beat myself up over something I can’t control. This is the pattern I
have. It’s a pattern I need to break. I’m willing to bet my intention behind
staying home and the interpretation of
my decision will be completely at odds. I’ve decided (right now this
minute) that unless I’m asked, any false interpretation isn’t my
responsibility. There. I feel healthier already.
Until my OCD kicks in, of course.
