About a month or so ago, I commented on a quoted tweet and it blew up in my face. Either I didn’t word it correctly or everyone is so readily defensive that the context was missed. Such is life on social media.
The original poster said something to effect of how we’re all going to be offended by something at some point. I agree with this and I tried to take this one step further. I’d like to change the conversation from “I am offended” to “That is disrespectful”. I was accused of policing someone’s feelings and I can see how it would be inferred. It wasn’t my intention. Claiming that something is offensive opens a person up to being judged as too sensitive, too politically correct, too [insert specific complaint here]. The message is lost because we’re too busy telling someone why how they feel is wrong. By calling something disrespectful, it takes the personal implication out of it. It is now about the thing itself and up to the person/company/policy/whatever to understand what should be addressed. It’s a subtle difference that will eventually become part of our unconscious. Then, maybe, we can grow up a little and stop being so damn disrespectful to each other.
Long story short, I deleted the comment and told the OP I didn’t mean any disrespect. Arguing my case wasn’t worth the inflicting any additional emotional toll on others.
The whole situation had a very strong effect on me: anxiety attacks, crying fits, a minor dissociative episode. I was frustrated and plain ‘ol pissed off at my reaction.
Enter 17 years of introspective psychotherapy.
This hit three very specific buttons: not being heard, being misunderstood, and being the target of undeserved anger. I know this doesn’t sound like a heck of a lot to be upset over. Bear with me.
Many psychological triggers are, in fact, this basic and it takes a lot of insight to recognize. For instance, when you fight with your spouse over who should take the garbage out, the fight is not about the garbage. It’s not about gender roles. It’s not about division of labor. It boils down to respect. Respect for your partner’s time, energy levels, other contributions. It’s about acknowledgment of “hey I had a really shitty day and it would help me out if you could take care of the garbage tonight.”. It’s about listening without hearing those specific words because, let’s face it, none of us is good at being that articulate when asking for help at the end of a long day.
(Unless you’ve been in therapy for years.)
Back to my paltry sounding buttons.
Emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical. Instead of having a broken bone that didn’t heal correctly— because you were too scared to go to the ER— your spirit is damaged. You can’t put your spirit in a cast.
What’s worse, both the abuser and victim may not even recognize emotional abuse is happening. If you have a child who is super sensitive and you criticize them constantly, you aren’t helping them build a thicker skin. Your challenges for them to do better when their best was done isn’t motivating. A sensitive child is going to hear they aren’t good enough no matter what they do. Their best isn’t good enough. Their decisions are always flawed. They will never have the confidence to try something new. They will doubt their intelligence, their opinions, and the only thing they will truly succeed in is being the best damn doormat in the land.
“But you can’t baby them. That’s what’s wrong with our society.”
If this is your position, I’m sorry that no one ever took your feelings into account. I’m sorry that you were emotionally abused to believe that tough love is the only answer.
Understanding how a person operates and adjusting your own methods isn’t “babying them”. It’s showing respect. There is a growing trend in the workforce to pit departments/teams/individuals against each other to create “healthy competition”. For some people, this is a fabulously effective motivator. A career salesperson will thrive on this. The customer service oriented personality will burn out faster than a match in a hurricane. The quiet accountant will keep your books impeccable, but hire someone with the pit bull aggressiveness needed for collections. It is not “babying” to recognize someone’s strengths and using them to your company’s advantage. Provide opportunities to enhance those skills and to learn new ones if your employees wish to expand. Some of us are office managers with no interest in sales. Respect that. Especially if we tell you. Over and over. Before you hire us.
“But I’m talking about kids! They need a firm hand! None of this Mr. Rogers shit!”
Gah! What did your parents or teachers do to you? Wow. You should probably try talking to a therapist.
Yes, children need a firm hand and some more than others. Just remember that if you rule your children instead of parenting them— scaring them into submission instead of teaching them right from wrong— you are creating either a bully or a doormat. No, children should not be encouraged to follow all of their dreams, especially if one of those dreams is to fly with a cape and not a plane. Your job is to keep them safe and teach them how to deal with the world. Yes, the world is a hard place to live. It’s filled with people who won’t take your strengths and sensitivities into account. Yes, kids need to learn this. But, before they do, they need a strong sense of self. This isn’t achieved with participation trophies. It’s probably more beneficial for a child to lose than to win as long as you do not enforce the belief that the loss came from an inherent flaw. Instead of “you’re just not good at baseball”, suggest a different grip on the bat. Or, if they are fast but have trouble connecting the bat and ball, try tennis.
What does this have to do with my buttons? When you hear that your best isn’t good enough for over 30 years from various people in your life, it’s harder than you think to change all the bullshit you’ve been trained to believe. Reactions are involuntary. My rational brain will scream that crying over a stranger’s misinterpretation of my position is absolutely ridiculous and, gadzooks woman, get a grip! Once the screaming stops, I remember I was trained to reaction like this. I was trained to fear confrontations. I was trained to be submissive to whoever was upset. I am forever on alert— gauging body language, listening for intonations, assessing the moods of everyone around me— to keep myself safe.
I know where my reactions come from. I’m learning to internalize the rationale in order to free myself.
There’s no magic pill. There’s no specific technique that will get me there faster.
I just need time and you to wipe your feet elsewhere.
