I know it's been a long while since I've posted anything. I'd like to say it's because I've had better things to do, but that's not true. I've had plenty to say, but it was more along the context of politics than the introspective growth topics that I'd like this blog to focus on.
My progress with GAD and MDD has been forward a little, back a little, and stagnate at times. I'm still doing what I'm "supposed to" (going to therapy, taking my medications, identifying and working through triggers.....) but I keep coming back to "what's the point". Why should I bother? It's been 4.5 years since my brain broke and I still spend Every. Single. Day. Fighting.
It's friggin' exhausting.
But I've been trained to push through. Just do it. Keep at it. This is what I'm supposed to do and All Good Little Girls do what they are supposed to do.
All Good Little Girls. Are you kidding me? I'm squarely in my 40s.
That's the craziness of my alphabet soup of disorders. My adult ego hasn't taken over in the reactionary part of my brain. I'm still the Little Girl who reached for the toy that was purchased with the Very Expensive liquid medicine, which fell, shattered and bled all over the asphalt between the double parked cars, sending my paycheck to paycheck parent into (what I recall as a) rage. I'm still the Little Girl who actually, sincerely, seriously DID hand in the "A to Z in NYC" project Sr. Rita Marie said she didn't receive. (To any teachers reading this, I know you've heard it a million times over, but I REALLY DID HAND IT IN DAMN IT.) I'm still the Little Girl who pulled straight A's in school and was told I wasn't working hard enough. I'm still the Little Girl who graduated 4th in her class, 80 points away from a perfect score on the SATs, acceptance to every college applied to.... but ends up at a college I didn't want to go to because I didn't get any scholarship money. I eventually dropped out, went to another college I didn't want to go to, and got an Associate's degree I used for about 4 months.
Fast forward 15 years from graduation and beyond: I'm the Adult Little Girl who couldn't keep a marriage together. I'm the Employee Little Girl with the highest weekly billing and 98% retention rate of hires but I'm not bringing in enough business. I'm the Parent Little Girl who can't "just make him get a job or tell him 'the door is that way'." I'm the Homeowner Little Girl who isn't keeping up the maintenance. I'm the Housewife Little Girl who can't keep up with the dog fur and clutter.
None of this is a big deal. None of this should put me-- or anyone-- in a dissociative state. When I look at what I've written here, I see how pathetic it is that these are my thoughts. Look at what I just typed: pathetic. I see this as another failing. The cycle is never-ending!!!
Someone who has nothing but my best interest at heart introduced me to someone in the medical field last week. "Tell her what your problem is. Maybe she knows a better doctor for you." (That's paraphrased.) So I explained to this professional exactly what happens to me. Then I told her what I've learned about why it happens through therapy. She said, "If you are this aware of your symptoms and triggers, I think this psychiatrist is doing a fine job with you." I hugged her. I'm gonna bake her a lemon meringue pie for her birthday on September 1st.
This is where I'm at. The ideas of "just do it" and "don't let it bother you" and "get over it" would be WELCOMED if it worked. I've asked professional after professional after professional if this approach can work for some people. Time after time, the answer is "For a very small percentage of people it might, but, for the majority, denial is only a temporary solution and not healthy."
Anxiety is a reflex. When you go to the doctor and get your knee tapped in just the right spot, your lower leg jumps. Sure, you can focus on not moving your leg if you want. If you are completely on guard, constantly vigilant, braced for every possible moment when something could tap just the right spot, you can avoid the reaction. Try this exercise: Raise your non-dominant hand up over your head. Reach for the ceiling or sky, wherever you may be. Now keep it there. For how long? Every waking moment of the day. When your arm gets tired, imagine people standing before you with their arms crossed telling you "just keep doing it" and "if you work hard enough, you can do it" and "if you really wanted to beat this, you would just do it." Now do this every day for 4 years. No breaks. Every day. If you are lucky, you might build up enough strength to hold that arm up. It's more probable that you'll damage your muscles and lose reasonable use of your arm. Living in a state of hyper-awareness is a one-way ticket to more health problems.
And it's friggin' exhausting.
