Just Don't

Don’t let it bother you.

Don’t take it so personally.

Don’t be hurt.

Don’t feel.

Don’t overreact

Don’t be like that

Don’t be so stubborn

Don’t be a bitch

Don’t be so emotional

Don’t be so unreasonable

Don’t be a doormat

Don’t let others talk to you like that

Don’t censor yourself

Don’t acquiesce.

Don’t talk back

Don’t correct me

Don’t contradict me

Don’t make me uncomfortable

Don’t challenge my sensibilities

Don’t defy me

Don’t rock the boat

Don’t accept the status quo

Don’t be such a baby

Don’t talk like that

Don’t hold a grudge

Don’t act like that

Don’t dress like that

Don’t drink like that

Don’t look at me like that

Don’t let others tell you what to do

Don’t.

I won’t.

That, Ladies and Gentlemen, Is How You Win Elections.

What are we doing to each other?

I'm in the midst of Emotional Burnout. How about you?  How are you feeling?

The holidays are difficult for more people. I don't know if it's actually harder for those of us with mental illnesses because I can't remember a time in my adult life when I wasn't in that category.  I look forward to quiet solitude of Yule. I try to spend the day in reflection and it's even better if my friends can gather to celebrate that evening.  Christmas Eve in the past had been an open house party at my aunt and uncle's home.  It's a lot of fun-- friends and neighbors come and go all night. There's music and fabulous food and a visit from Santa.  My poor aunt is usually half-dead the next day (because the women in my family, including me, have NO concept of "enough") but it's always an incredible celebration.  However, I've been missing it. The last time I participated was just a few months after my breakdown.  I know I went, but I don't remember any of it. After we were married, my Christmas Eve changed a bit. Instead of partying at my aunt's and the rest of Fairfield County, CT, our (adult) kids have been coming over to spend the evening together and alone.  As much as I miss going to the party, I enjoy this new tradition. We play music and work on a 1000 piece puzzle as a family. It's a great time to reconnect for more than a span of a quick dinner visit. Nuclear Family Time.  I look forward to spending time with them like that.

As I get my shopping and baking and decorating and donating duties together, I can't get into the spirit of the season.  Peace on Earth? Good will toward men?  Where?  Certainly not here in America.

I hate political campaigns. There's never a candidate that seems ideal to me. I want someone who shares my values but understands that not all personal beliefs should be law. It would be nice but it's not in the alignment with what our American Values are "supposed to be": the Freedom to live as each sees fit.  This year, the amount of hate being spewed is disgraceful and dangerous. I honestly have no idea if it's worse than usual, but I'm very aware of it this time.

I hear our potential Presidential candidates and I remember two specific quotes from The American President.

"They don't have a choice! Bob Rumson is the only one doing the talking! People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand."  "Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference."

We're drinking a LOT of sand lately. Maybe we should choke on it.  Maybe that's the only way to get past the hate.

"We have serious problems to solve, and we need serious people to solve them. And whatever your particular problem is, I promise you, Bob Rumson is not the least bit interested in solving it. He is interested in two things and two things only: making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections".

 Let's read part of that one again. "... making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections".

We live with real threats every day. We should take steps to protect ourselves. We should also step back and reexamine our fears. I have to do this on a daily basis. OCD is the "doubting disease". Couple that with crippling anxiety and I'm useless.  I'm learning to ask "what am I afraid of" and "is the magnitude of fear justifiable".  When a fear is raw, I get caught up in reasoning what is possible versus probable.   The formula is rather simple: "the stereotype of x does not equal always y."  Learning to believe it is different.

Just think about it. If a subject gets you riled up, stop and think about why.  Is your why real? Is it exaggerated?  If you feel your answer is simple, I can guarantee you haven't examined it. 

Peace on Earth.

Good will toward all.

Truth, Justice and the Lost American Way

Do me a favor and read this with an open mind.

I completely agree that Daesh is a threat. I agree we need to protect ourselves. I support all the (current) amendments of the US Constitution even though I don't agree with the language of some.  In fact, I'm a little like Superman.  I believe in Truth, Justice and the American Way.

Well.... that last part is getting a little murky and we really need to pick a direction.

Without being an expert on anything but my own point of view, let me explain.

It's a basic human survival technique to have an immediate reaction of "how does this affect me" even if those words never form in our consciousness.  It's impossible to avoid and it really doesn't need to be avoided. The important part is to actually recognize that it is, in fact, the reaction we have.

We have a strong reaction to the terrorist attacks in Paris for several reasons. What happened in Paris can easily happen in any of our cities. 14 years later, anyone who was in lower Manhattan or on the west side of the Pentagon knows somewhere in their bodies are tiny particles of those who had died simply because the air around them was inhaled.  We react more to Paris than Beirut because we identify more with Parisians.  Our cultures are similar. Any one of the victims is someone we can point to and say they are just like us.  But the Lebanese are viewed as different.  They aren't like us. They live in a part of the world where bombings are not news. We're callous about it.  We accept their deaths in the same way we shake our heads at American towns torn up by tornadoes or flooded by hurricanes. Maybe those of us in the Northeast are a little more sympathetic to hurricane victims after Sandy battered us, but, in general, we still see it as something that doesn't really happen to us. That's what happens when you live there.



The American Way is traditionally defined as our national ethos of "Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness." Quick social studies reminder here: that's not from our constitution.  Thomas Jefferson put those words into our Declaration of Independence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

Such a powerful statement.

Of the three unalienable rights explicitly named in the Declaration of Independence, which is the most important?  All are.... but... without defending Life, there is no reason to defend the others.   Basic blanket statement here is if you're not alive, then all other rights are irrelevant.  Right?  Can we agree on that?  Doesn't matter if we have Liberty if we're dead. We want to wage war against Daesh because they are a threat to our lives.  I can't really argue against that.  I don't plan to.  I don't believe in war but I also don't believe in shrugging my shoulders while waiting to be attacked. Yes, I know the statistics.  I know my personal chance of being killed by Daesh is a fraction of a percent. I'm more likely to be killed by my cat tripping me.  Yet I still support protecting us. I think most people would err on the side of protection versus harm. Life=good. Death=bad.  Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Less than a week after the Paris attacks, 31 states have declared they do not want Syrian refugees within their borders.  Thirty-one.  That is 62% of our country rejecting Emma Lazarus's poem engraved on our gift from France to protect our Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness against a possible Daesh attack.  Whether you agree with those governors or not, it's an impressive show of solidarity in an effort to protect our Life, Liberty and Pursuit of Happiness.

A video labeled as an "amazing response" to "not all Muslims" was posted on Facebook this morning.   I can't stand videos but I watched it because I am interested in hearing what people think and it was posted by someone I respect.  I thought there was some decent logic so I found a transcript (same link) to share with you:

“We portray Islam and all Muslims as bad, but there’s 1.8 billion followers of Islam,” American University law student Saba Ahmed said.

Gabriel replied that “of course not all of them are radical,” before comparing Islamic extremists to other groups in world history, noting how the peaceful majority were irrelevant in each instance.

“When you look throughout history, most Germans were peaceful, yet the Nazis drove the agenda and, as a result, 60 million died,” she said. “Almost 14 million in concentration camps — 6 million were Jews. The peaceful majority were irrelevant.”

“On Sept. 11, we had 2.3 million Arab Muslims in the United States. It took 19 hijackers, 19 radicals, to bring the United States to its knees … the peaceful majority were [sic] irrelevant,” she added. “So for all our powers of reasons and us talking about moderate and peaceful Muslims, I’m glad you’re here. But where are the others speaking out?”

It's a little hard to disagree with that, up until her very last sentence; a person with any type of news outlet can find the others speaking out without much effort at all.  There is a case for the peaceful majority being irrelevant when preserving our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.

Let's stick with that idea for a moment.

Some Americans are willing to call the peaceful majority irrelevant to keep us safe.  Some are also completely fine with losing some of our Liberty to preserve Life. None of us likes to go through TSA checks but we've all heard "hey... if it keeps us safe....."  Some of us don't believe these checks do very much. Some of us do. Some support the PATRIOT Act.  Some cover the webcam on our computers to grasp the little bit of the privacy we have left.  

Another phrase we've all heard is "well... if it prevents even one terrorist attack, it's worth it."

Ok. I'll go with that.

Why does this acceptance only apply to protecting us from jihadist terrorism?

Why are we not consistent in protecting our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness?  Why is the peaceful majority given center-stage priority after each mass shooting in our schools?  Why does Liberty suddenly take precedence over Life when citizens are slaughtered in churches, movie theaters, shopping malls, first grade classrooms?  Why is Liberty more important than the Life of someone seeking healthcare or shelter or food?

The death of (currently) 129 people in Paris has prompted America to band together against the Enemy. It's a natural reaction. Is it an overreaction?  Maybe. I don't know. It's not black or white. There are Americans fighting for legislation to keep refugees out, documenting Muslims in our country, demanding that we stand up to fundamentalism.... And only a handful of states have taken domestic terrorism seriously.

If we're going to go to extremes protect our Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, can we please do it across the board?

Breaking Through the Screen

I had an incredible memory before this disorder took over my consciousness.  One employer of mine would treat it as a party trick by flipping through our appointment book, randomly picking out a name from months before, and I would be able to tell him exactly who the person is and why they came in.  It helped me in many aspects of my life, including annoying the hell out of people who tried to fool me and acing pop quizzes in school.  Unfortunately, GAD, MDD, and OCD screws with the party trick and my memory has faltered often in the past five years.  (Gadzooks. It's been FIVE YEARS since my breakdown.) Childhood memories and those embarrassing moments in life remain vivid. Incredibly vivid.

My doctor and I discussed the concept of screen memories during my session last week. Sometimes these vivid "you stood here/wore this/said this" recollections are faulty and exaggerated. This has thrown a bit of doubt over the accuracy of a few specific memories and has led me to rethink a few things. The exaggeration aspect of it is a key to understanding why the memory is so vivid and how it plays a role in current behaviors. The more I think about it, the more I can trace every single one of my known issues to a screen memory.

I'm going to call this a breakthrough.

It's nothing really short of seeing evidence of my personal programming, right down to resisting admitting my incredible memory may not be as sharp as I once thought it was.  Imagine holding onto an event in your head that is so crystal clear that it has been the basis of your opinion of something or someone and being shown a video of it to find that it really didn't happen the way you remember. It's a twist in the plot. It makes you think. In therapy, if something makes you think, it's usually uncomfortable.  While it's jarring to think my vivid memories might be vivid exaggerations, I'm not running away from it. In fact, I'm doing just the opposite.  I'm embracing it.

I always need a "why" and that need is frustrating because psychology doesn't always present a definitive "why".  There are always so many variables to consider.  Two people can experience the exact same thing and their programming will cause different reactions. The idea of screen memories gives me a personal "why".  Whether or not it's truly exaggerated, this specific memory right here explains that certain behavior. I'm choosing to look at my vivid memories and not try to figure out if they are completely accurate. I don't think accuracy is important as I won't be testifying against someone and I won't be presenting these memories to someone for an apology. If I can link them to what I'm doing, it gives me my Holy Grail.

The road to recovery looks freshly paved directly ahead. I'm going to enjoy the smooth ride for as long as it lasts.

SUPER BLOOD MOON!!! & President Trump

Maybe I'm just jaded, but I'm getting sick of the "THIS WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN UNTIL______!!!!"  Why do we need everything to be bigger, better and super special and if you Don't See It NOW, you'll Regret It For The Rest Of Your LIFE YOU LOSER!!!

If yelling "fire" in a crowded theater is illegal and dangerous, why are we not reeling in the sensationalism of just about everything else? I understand not causing a dangerous stampede, but isn't inducing random bits of panic just as bad? Isn't the correlation between stress and health problems well documented? Phrases and tones meant to draw you in to watching this specific news program, read this specific article, listen to this specific candidate are getting louder and more threatening with each announcement. I'm sure most of us ignore it, but what about the unconscious effect?  I don't know the current statistic but aren't a good number of us on antidepressants and sedatives, or should be?  I live a suburban, upper middle class life. Why should I be depressed or anxious? It's not the fault of the Eyewitness News urgent story on why kale may not be the superfood experts thought it was and how it can actually harm you.  (But News At Eleven!!!!) I have other issues I'm working on. However, I'm fairly certain these micro-controversies reinforce a tiny unconscious notion that everything will kill us, everyone is lying, and no one can tell the difference.  Eventually we either don't believe anything at all or are convinced that drinking specially formulated salt water is the key to lasting health.

It seems like water drip torture. One tap in the same spot over and over will either drive you insane or become excruciatingly painful. Sensationalism is our very own long term Shock and Awe campaign. Yes, I know Shock and Awe is also called "rapid dominance" so labeling it long term is essentially a contradiction. The desired effect is the same: "paralyze the enemy's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight." The battlefield is our attention and the will to fight is our sense of truth. The best case scenario is we waste two hours watching Geraldo open up Capone's vault.  What a worst case? President Trump.

Donald Trump's current claim to fame is that he "tells it like it is" and it's getting him enough attention to cause some of us to seriously explore expatriation after November 8, 2016.  Whether or not a person agrees with The Donald's opinions is secondary to how much that person will support him because he "tells the truth." Many people forget that his "it" and "truth" is really only his opinion and not fact.  (Side note: I'm generally in favor of unapologetic bluntness for serious issues. I am strongly opposed to unsupported generalizations being passed off as fact to play on a person's fears.) Our sense of truth has been so derailed that this guy actually looks a good choice to some people.

I've gotten completely off topic again.  Usually at this point I'd either shelve the post or pull out the tangent for another post. I'm leaving it because of the tangent makes sense to me and it's what's on my mind.

This is the strangest post about the lunar eclipse, isn't it?  That's how it started.  I was reading piece after piece about how we'll never have another "Super Blood Moon Eclipse" until TWO THOUSAND THIRTY THREE!!!!! 

Folks.

That's in 18 years.

It's a significant amount of time but unless you're in poor health or getting close to a traditional age of decline, you'll probably be around for the next one. And that's all I really wanted to say.

Regardless, if your skies are clear, go take a look.  If you're on the East Coast of the Americas, eclipse will peak at 10:47pm--- which is a treat considering I remember most peaks being in the wee hours of the morning. 

On a spiritual level, we get to experience a full lunar cycle in one evening and a fantastic time for Moon Magic.

Balancing Falling Backwards

Here in the Northern Hemisphere, Autumn has begun.  We crudely call it Fall.  Probably because the leaves fall. Or perhaps because it makes for a handy way to remember which way we turn our clocks to end Daylight Saving Time. National Geographic has a nice write up on the Equinox here.  It's an interesting day that is devoted to Balance.  The Sun enters Libra and her Scales of Justice. We're to remember that we live in a dual world with Good and Evil.  We can't have one without the other, no matter how much we'd like to tip that scale to Good.

This year is also a bit interesting because Mercury is in retrograde and also in Libra.   The Cliff's Notes version of this means that all communications may seem to go well but will eventually reveal to be all messed up.  Astrologists warn against starting anything during this phase.

But there's another way to look at this.

Mercury governs Communication. Retrograde means to move backward.  (No, Mercury doesn't actually travel backward but it will appear to do so in the night sky.) Libra symbolizes Balance.  Drawing on my last post, we are constantly evolving, We are influenced by our experiences.  Perhaps now is the best time to evaluate where our beliefs come from and what we could learn from our past.

The other day I had an imaginary conversation.  This happens often with OCD.  I also think that if you claim to never go over a possible conversation with someone in your own head, you're a liar.  OCD brings me to a new level of imaginary conversations. This particular one brought me to tears. I have a vague notion that I've hurt someone's feelings--- with OCD and Anxiety together, I can't be sure that I have. I thought of this person accusing me of not caring if I hurt them.  While I know this is something they would never actually say because they know it isn't true, I could fully believe they'd feel this reaction.  Reactions are emotional and not rational. Insight is when you realize you're reacting to something from your past rather than what's really going on.  I realized at the moment that I care so much about what this person thinks and feels that it's landed me in therapy to sort out.  There's nothing this person needs to do to change this; it's all on me.  It's my perception that needs to change. I need to go back to my past to improve my present. Astrologically, this is the perfect time.

Maybe that's all the excuse my scrambled brain needs.

Walk This Way

One of the side effects of therapy is I see more than just my issues in a new light. It's not always a great experience. Whether or not these new discoveries are more accurate than my previous position, they can never been fully dismissed again.  Maybe that's also a side effect of having OCD.  Either way, the kaleidoscope spins and the pattern is never the same.

Of course therapy is only one way to change your thinking. The positive part of this is that it's voluntary.  You have to do the work in your sessions to get insight. Insight has been explained to me as the understanding reasons you've been intellectualizing-- the difference between "knowing" something and "feeling" it. Insight is the goal in therapy; once you've gained it in relation to your problems, you can learn to deal with them better.  It's not a cure. It's the step necessary to loosen the vise grip your mind has on your issues.

Life in general changes your perception but this is a much more gradual and unconscious method that is usually based on emotion rather than fact. We let our emotions twist what we see into what we want to believe. It's dangerous because we are entirely too susceptible to manipulation and none of us wants to believe that.

Society shrieks at the thought of manipulation without seeing the subtle influence of just about everything around us. Once we start to see it, we push it away with all our strength because we've been conditioned to believe Being Wrong is a Fate Worse Than DEATH. It all starts with that confident response we all have: "I'm not being manipulated."

Sad truth:  we all are. I'm not sure how to find the balance between healthy awareness and paranoia. I seem to always take things to extremes. (Cue Billy Joel...)

 I rolled my eyes at all the hot topics that would obviously lead to the end of the world. Video games are too violent!! Explicit lyrics!! Sex on TV!!  BARBIE!!!!  Honestly? I never gave a conscious thought to Barbie's measurements. At 5 years old I was singing Roxanne without understanding a word of it and at 12 I was rapping along with Run DMC's cover of Walk This Way still completely oblivious.  I listen to the lyrics now and wonder why my pre-teen self wasn't chewing on a bar of Ivory soap. Did this cause me harm?  I don't think so, but I can't be sure because there isn't a control group for my life. Surely we were taking it all too seriously and if we just raise our kids right then what they watch/listen/play/see/read wouldn't have a negative effect. There's truth to that... except parents are just as venerable to desensitization as the kids are. What we watch, listen to, and read all plays a role in who we are, whether we realize it or not. I don't advocate for stricter control over the media we consume-- though I'm a big fan of Content Warnings--- but I do think we need to be sure to discuss both the positive and negative influences. Why is the cast mostly white?  Male?  Females are only thin, gorgeous and rarely in charge? People of Color are the criminals?  POC who are not criminals had to overcome a rough youth?  Is it really ok to torture a suspect?  Do the ends really justify the means? If you think that's overboard or think that's political correctness gone mad, these discussions are how to raise your kids right.

Yes, this can all be taken too far.  There aren't government conspiracies hidden on a chewing gum wrapper, though I'm sure some conspiracies are true.  The person following you in the parking lot probably is just parked nearby, but be ready to defend yourself anyway.  And, more often than not, a homemade clock is just a clock.

Full Moon Prayer

Blessed Mother Moon,
Hear my plea.
Bestow on me Wisdom and Strength to achieve my goal.
Remind me of the importance to be true to myself and respect my own life. Take with you my fears. Take with you my doubt. Help me to remember all things in time. We all have cycles and should not rush. One day, one night, one cycle at a time.

Dear Twitter: We need to see other people.

I'm struggling.

My last post was preachy rather than introspective. My goal for this blog is definitely the latter. The problem is that I need an outlet for the rage, sadness, and guilt that develops from reading the news.

Maybe I should put a disclaimer somewhere on here stating that any preachiness is more of a general vent than instructions for what you should do.  I hate shoulding all over people and I don't appreciate it when they should on me.

The rage and sadness doesn't need to be examined. I know where it comes from. We treat each other horribly and then we police each other's reactions. Emotions are never wrong. We feel what we feel.  The problem has more to do with how we express our emotions and the expectation we have from others' expressions, boiling down to "I'm right and how you feel/react is wrong unless it's the same."

The guilt isn't so cut and dry. I'm very aware that my privileged allows me to walk away from the computer and go about my pretty damn good life.  I feel guilty that others can't.

It's important that I recognize the luxuries my privilege affords me. It took a while for me to understand the concept of privilege. My younger self defined it as "wealthy".  The kids in my private high school in the Bronx were there because of their entrance exam scores and most had financial aid. Our attendance wasn't because we were privileged-- we worked hard academically and our families busted their butts to pay for it.  (Note: This wasn't a boarding school and I'm referring to a time when private school tuition in NYC wasn't as high as some colleges.) The idea of privilege due to race never entered my mind probably because I'm white and we were the minority population.  I don't know if White Privilege was a term when I was a kid.  I can't recall hearing it used before the last maybe 10-15 years. Was I sheltered from the term?  Was it not a mainstream concept?  Did I just ignore anything that would have exposed me to it?  I have no idea.   But I'm here now.  I know what it means. I know I can't help that I was born white. 

I also know that I can't just shrug my shoulders, say "oh well", and not adjust my actions.

I was told this week that I'm taking things too seriously.  "Things" mean politics, racism, police violence, military engagements abroad, religious liberty claims and corporate practices.  My reaction is that we aren't taking them seriously enough.  However, I understand why this was said. I have a variety of mental health issues that are severe enough for the government to label me "disabled".  My recovery depends on me actively facing my issues.  I need to remember that I also need to protect myself. It's true that I get worked up and emotional and "crazy" when I'm overexposed to the news. I haven't figured out what the healthy medium is for me.  It's important to be informed and to speak out. It's also important to protect my sanity.  Without sanity, I can't be an effective voice against injustice.

I've been feeling better this week.  I'm still having attacks and extreme emotions but I've been more successful in managing them. Dissociative episodes don't have any evidence of being very long, but this is the most difficult symptom to track by myself.  I can't point to just one thing that has been different this week:  My husband isn't traveling for a while and his next business trip promises to be short.  I'm home.  I've been out of the house a few times.  I've spent more time off of social media.   It's this last difference that I can control more than other circumstances.  My OCD wants to rationalize that I had more social interactions offline this week and didn't feel the need to seek out digital companionship.  It sounds logical.  It may very well be the reason.  But OCD is the "doubting disease" so I also wonder if I feel well enough to have IRL interactions because I'm not stressing over what I read about on Twitter.  (I'm picking on Twitter because my Facebook feed is almost all posts by people I know IRL and am there to keep up with their lives.  Twitter is more of my informational feed.)   There's even the other possibility that since my mental health problems are cyclical, this just might be the week my mind is actually cooperating and resulting in me being less symptomatic.

This is where I run into trouble. Do I analyze why I'm doing better and try to replicate it or do I accept it as a sign that I'm simply improving?   If I don't attempt the former, then I feel that I'm not doing "everything that I can" to recover.  If I can't replicate it, then I get depressed.  If I do the latter, then I'm still not doing "everything that I can" to recover.  OCD is a cruel disorder.  But I want so desperately to be able to claim full recovery to the government before my next evaluation. Doing that would be such a sense of accomplishment and maybe even help others to not have to jump through moving hoops of fire to collect the money they gave to Social Security to hold until they needed it.

I've decided on trying to limit my involvement on Twitter. I don't know exactly what that means just yet because Moderation and I tend to not agree on much.  For those of you who follow me on Twitter, I still care.  I'll respond to DMs.  I'll check probably daily but not be glued to my feed. 

It's not you; it's me.  I'm not ignoring you.  I'm just trying to find my balance.

Black, White, or Purple Words

Two or three years ago, I engaged in a Twitter debate with a Black gentleman.  He was discussing racism and I responded with something to the effect that we’re all human and focusing on race is detrimental to solving racist views. The intent behind my words was not argumentative. I was speaking from the heart and truly felt no aggression.  I was on the verge of tears that begged for us to stop judging and hurting each other.  I’d like to believe that’s what we ultimately want and said so. Over and over.  I don't know if this conversation was before the #BlackLivesMatter movement but, looking back at this conversation, I see I was firmly in the All Lives Matter camp.

As I spoke my mind (over and over) with this gentleman, I realized we were going in circles. I was telling him that being "colorblind" was a good thing because it meant not making assumptions about a person because on their race. He was telling me that I needed to recognize his Blackness. That idea went against every damn thing I was every taught and couldn't understand why this was preferable to him. So I did something radical: I asked him. "Tone gets lost here. Please know I'm not being aggressive. I want to understand. Could you please explain why?” I’m paraphrasing but he basically said being “colorblind” is essentially turning a blind eye to the racial problems we have. However, if I don’t (metaphorically) see color at all, then I’m not seeing the person as a whole being with specific and historical struggles. Yes, at one time or another, we all have been hated for something we intrinsically are. There’s not even a “but” to go with this.  It’s true. I’ve not met a single person who hasn’t had discrimination directed toward them in some way. I see myself as a rational and intelligent person; it took 30 some odd years of living, several years on social media and one very specific Twitter exchange for me to understand that intent doesn't really matter if you're not using the right words. There are both subtle and vast differences between discrimination and racism. I regret that I don’t remember his name. I regret not following him. I didn’t realize the impact his words would have on me.  As powerful as his words were, they still didn’t sink in for a few more days.

They. Still. Didn’t. Sink. In. For. A. Few. More. Days.

WHY?

 

I was still reacting rather than observing. I was spending too much time saying why I felt discussing racism begets more racism. I got so caught up in my own head, in my own reasons, in my own stance, in my own defense to see that all “my own_____” wasn’t being questioned. Take a look at the pronouns that are used when discussing racism. I’m a middle-aged, middle-class, and fairly well educated white woman; I don’t think I’m racist. However, when discussing racism, I have a strong tendency to refer to the “white point of view” with the pronoun “I” and the “black point of view” with “they” and “them”.  The Black community uses “we”-- and it's truly a community.  But my "we", meaning my fellow white people, turn discussions about racism into a direct criticism of our personal behavior.  If you’re white and defensive, your first reaction is probably “I don’t do that.” The irony is you just did. It makes a difference. If you haven't read John Metta's fabulous essay called I, Racist, click and read it. It blew me away and opened my eyes further.

 

Denial. Discomfort. Bitterness. Aggression. I see these negative reactions to the #BlackLivesMatter Movement.  I don't understand the resistance to embrace a campaign that lifts people up. Are we that afraid of change?  Of acknowledging white privilege exists? Of admitting guilty?  Again, the response is "I don't think I'm racist".  Just because I am not, it doesn't mean the entire country doesn't have a race problem. But I'm not qualified to educate anyone on racism.  I can only explain my own experiences. The concept of "being colorblind" as a harmful stance isn't something I ever thought about.  I see more and more articles on why this is a problem, but I'm not sure if this argument has been around for a while or if I'm just more aware of it.  I've been reading and listening to more diverse voices because I want to be aware.

 

Make no mistake; being aware is difficult. It hurts to look inside yourself, to see where your feelings really come from.  No one wants to admit fault. We all want to blame someone else because it's so much easier than dealing with a problem ourselves. That's why psychotherapy takes so damn long. After 15 years of therapy, I can say I know I get angry when people aren't punished because I've always had to deal with consequences.  It's petty and I don't like that about myself but I can't deny it. I can't help but wonder if the All Lives Matter crew can't get past being wronged somehow and have adopted "Why should you be respected if I'm not?"  This attitude of entitlement is bleeding into every area of our lives: "The PC police are taking over toys now!" "I will NOT call HIM Caitlyn!" "Thor CAN'T be female!" "James Bond CAN'T be BLACK!" "What about WHITE lives?"  "WHAT ARE WE OFFENDED BY TODAY, AMERICA????"  The more appropriate question is how can you not be offended?

Maybe instead of insisting what and how another person should feel, try asking.  Why does #BlackLivesMatter invoke whatever you're feeling?

I'll go first.  It makes me sad and frustrated that #BlackLivesMatter needs to exist.  It means we are still not listening and responding to each other with respect. My reaction is "Yes, Black lives matter. Why can't you see that and why can't we act accordingly?"  Do you want to know what I don't feel?  I don't feel slighted. I don't think that non-Black lives matter less. It's a statement of fact: Black lives matter.   If it were a comparative statement, it would be "Black lies matter more."  That's not the message. Please stop pretending it is.

 

I've been struggling with this post for a very long time. I don't want a pat on the back for trying to be a decent person. We have a problem with listening to respond rather than listening to understand.  If anything regarding #BlackLivesMatter bothers you, take time to understand why.  Ask questions and don't be defensive about the answers.  We need to be aware of how our words and actions affect each other.

 

Or else we're doomed.

2 Years Ago.....

Standing in Place, Past and Present

   Originally posted 8/14/2013

In November of 1997, a 6 month old pup was placed in my arms. She was tiny, soft and warm. She nuzzled under my chin and sighed.  She looked up at me, licked my chin and settled back into place.

In the early morning hours last Tuesday, my 16 year old pup was still tiny, soft and warm.  She nuzzled under my chin and sighed. She looked up at me, licked my chin and settled back into place.

A few hours later we stood together in her vet’s office.  The news was incomplete yet completely definitive: we could run a battery of tests to find out what has happened in over the past 38 hours but the prognosis was she would not get better.  She had stopped eating and drinking. One side of her tiny, soft, warm body did not respond. She would not be coming home with me.

She and I had come full circle.  Together we started a life that wouldn’t last.  We bought a house and moved. We married and divorced. We started and stopped 3 jobs.  We welcomed and sadly said goodbye to a cat.  We fell in love again. We married and moved again.

Our journey together began and ended with a nuzzle and a kiss.

Someone once said a person is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Pets span all 3.  That little dog gave me a reason to get up in the morning when I felt life wasn’t worth trying.  She celebrated every time I walked in the room. She made friends with countless people who claimed
they didn’t like dogs.  She offered comfort and love to a group of struggling divorcees.

Her reason:

to teach me

naps are restorative

nothing beats eggs for breakfast

roll in the grass

the sun is there to bask in

greet each person like a VIP

examine every blade of grass

every petal

every scent

 unconditional love

Her season:

16 years, 2 months

3 homes, 2 marriages, 1 cat

enough life lessons  for a graduate degree

She’ll be with me for a lifetime.

Ragamuffin 

5/9/1997-8/6/2013