Breaking Through the Screen

I had an incredible memory before this disorder took over my consciousness.  One employer of mine would treat it as a party trick by flipping through our appointment book, randomly picking out a name from months before, and I would be able to tell him exactly who the person is and why they came in.  It helped me in many aspects of my life, including annoying the hell out of people who tried to fool me and acing pop quizzes in school.  Unfortunately, GAD, MDD, and OCD screws with the party trick and my memory has faltered often in the past five years.  (Gadzooks. It's been FIVE YEARS since my breakdown.) Childhood memories and those embarrassing moments in life remain vivid. Incredibly vivid.

My doctor and I discussed the concept of screen memories during my session last week. Sometimes these vivid "you stood here/wore this/said this" recollections are faulty and exaggerated. This has thrown a bit of doubt over the accuracy of a few specific memories and has led me to rethink a few things. The exaggeration aspect of it is a key to understanding why the memory is so vivid and how it plays a role in current behaviors. The more I think about it, the more I can trace every single one of my known issues to a screen memory.

I'm going to call this a breakthrough.

It's nothing really short of seeing evidence of my personal programming, right down to resisting admitting my incredible memory may not be as sharp as I once thought it was.  Imagine holding onto an event in your head that is so crystal clear that it has been the basis of your opinion of something or someone and being shown a video of it to find that it really didn't happen the way you remember. It's a twist in the plot. It makes you think. In therapy, if something makes you think, it's usually uncomfortable.  While it's jarring to think my vivid memories might be vivid exaggerations, I'm not running away from it. In fact, I'm doing just the opposite.  I'm embracing it.

I always need a "why" and that need is frustrating because psychology doesn't always present a definitive "why".  There are always so many variables to consider.  Two people can experience the exact same thing and their programming will cause different reactions. The idea of screen memories gives me a personal "why".  Whether or not it's truly exaggerated, this specific memory right here explains that certain behavior. I'm choosing to look at my vivid memories and not try to figure out if they are completely accurate. I don't think accuracy is important as I won't be testifying against someone and I won't be presenting these memories to someone for an apology. If I can link them to what I'm doing, it gives me my Holy Grail.

The road to recovery looks freshly paved directly ahead. I'm going to enjoy the smooth ride for as long as it lasts.