I'm struggling.
My last post was preachy rather than
introspective. My goal for this blog is definitely the latter. The
problem is that I need an outlet for the rage, sadness, and guilt that
develops from reading the news.
Maybe I should put a
disclaimer somewhere on here stating that any preachiness is more of a
general vent than instructions for what you should do. I hate shoulding all over people and I don't appreciate it when they should on me.
The
rage and sadness doesn't need to be examined. I know where it comes
from. We treat each other horribly and then we police each other's
reactions. Emotions are never wrong. We feel what we feel. The problem
has more to do with how we express our emotions and the expectation we
have from others' expressions, boiling down to "I'm right and how you
feel/react is wrong unless it's the same."
The guilt
isn't so cut and dry. I'm very aware that my privileged allows me to
walk away from the computer and go about my pretty damn good life. I
feel guilty that others can't.
It's important that I
recognize the luxuries my privilege affords me. It took a while for me
to understand the concept of privilege. My younger self defined it as
"wealthy". The kids in my private high school in the Bronx were there
because of their entrance exam scores and most had financial aid. Our
attendance wasn't because we were privileged-- we worked hard
academically and our families busted their butts to pay for it. (Note:
This wasn't a boarding school and I'm referring to a time when private
school tuition in NYC wasn't as high as some colleges.) The idea of
privilege due to race never entered my mind probably because I'm white
and we were the minority population. I don't know if White Privilege
was a term when I was a kid. I can't recall hearing it used before the
last maybe 10-15 years. Was I sheltered from the term? Was it not a
mainstream concept? Did I just ignore anything that would have exposed
me to it? I have no idea. But I'm here now. I know what it means. I
know I can't help that I was born white.
I also know that I can't just shrug my shoulders, say "oh well", and not adjust my actions.
I
was told this week that I'm taking things too seriously. "Things" mean
politics, racism, police violence, military engagements abroad,
religious liberty claims and corporate practices. My reaction is that
we aren't taking them seriously enough. However, I understand why this
was said. I have a variety of mental health issues that are severe
enough for the government to label me "disabled". My recovery depends
on me actively facing my issues. I need to remember that I also need to
protect myself. It's true that I get worked up and emotional and
"crazy" when I'm overexposed to the news. I haven't figured out what the
healthy medium is for me. It's important to be informed and to speak
out. It's also important to protect my sanity. Without sanity, I can't
be an effective voice against injustice.
I've been
feeling better this week. I'm still having attacks and extreme emotions
but I've been more successful in managing them. Dissociative episodes
don't have any evidence of being very long, but this is the most
difficult symptom to track by myself. I can't point to just one thing
that has been different this week: My husband isn't traveling for a
while and his next business trip promises to be short. I'm home. I've
been out of the house a few times. I've spent more time off of social
media. It's this last difference that I can control more than other
circumstances. My OCD wants to rationalize that I had more social
interactions offline this week and didn't feel the need to seek out
digital companionship. It sounds logical. It may very well be the
reason. But OCD is the "doubting disease" so I also wonder if I feel
well enough to have IRL interactions because I'm not stressing
over what I read about on Twitter. (I'm picking on Twitter because my
Facebook feed is almost all posts by people I know IRL and am there to
keep up with their lives. Twitter is more of my informational feed.)
There's even the other possibility that since my mental health problems
are cyclical, this just might be the week my mind is actually
cooperating and resulting in me being less symptomatic.
This
is where I run into trouble. Do I analyze why I'm doing better and try
to replicate it or do I accept it as a sign that I'm simply improving?
If I don't attempt the former, then I feel that I'm not doing
"everything that I can" to recover. If I can't replicate it, then I get
depressed. If I do the latter, then I'm still not doing "everything
that I can" to recover. OCD is a cruel disorder. But I want so desperately to be able to claim full recovery to the government before my next evaluation. Doing that would be such
a sense of accomplishment and maybe even help others to not have to
jump through moving hoops of fire to collect the money they gave to
Social Security to hold until they needed it.
I've
decided on trying to limit my involvement on Twitter. I don't know
exactly what that means just yet because Moderation and I tend to not
agree on much. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, I still
care. I'll respond to DMs. I'll check probably daily but not be glued
to my feed.
It's not you; it's me. I'm not ignoring you. I'm just trying to find my balance.
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