I’ve been participating in a writing challenge for the month of June. The goal is to write 50,000 words in the 30 day period. I’m neither a joiner, nor a finisher, and June is traditionally a busy month for me.With this in mind, I had several predictions for myself: The first was that I’d be strong out of the gate. I knew there were days I wouldn’t be able to write, so I adjusted my daily target to 2,273 words per day for the 22 days I expected to be somewhat productive. By the end of the first seven days, I had written 13,326 words. Prediction #1? CHECK. The second was that I’d veer from my initial goal of only counting words added to my current WIP*. Hello, blog posts! Prediction #2 CHECK. My third and final prediction would be that I’d give up somewhere around mid way through because “what’s the point” and “I can’t do this.” Prediction #3? Let me explain.
I have a few demons when it comes to certain things. They emerge from the depths of my mind in the form of echoes and paralyzing fears. It’s not enough to recognize a demon and where it came from. It needs to be dealt with. I’ve begun to pick them apart, one by one, demystifying them and attempting to stomp them out into oblivion. It’s not as easy as the self-help books claim: just face your fear and beat it into submission!! Bull. We’ve been conditioned. All of us. The little consistencies in our upbring manifest into how we handle the world as adults. Even if a parent is consistently inconsistent, it affects the adult’s world. I’m incredibly hard on myself. When I look back at things now, I see I was being pushed to always do better. The adult in me understands that. However, the push wasn’t from encouragement. It was always a challenge. Challenges are fantastic unless they are interpreted as “you’re not doing your best and, therefore, you aren’t good enough.” I developed that interpretation somewhere along the line and it’s been screwing me up for years. Challenges aren’t necessarily from parents; you can get the same type of feedback from teachers and peers. I was always a good student and was always told I wasn’t “working to my full potential”. That may have been true. As an adult, I see that I wasn’t really applying myself in grade school. Everything came easy to me. I was one of those kids who would pick up exactly what the teacher said immediately and really only made mistakes from being a careless kid who wanted to go out and play. So, Sr. Rita, you were right. I wasn’t working to my full potential and eveyr perfect grade I got wasn’t really earned because your lessons were too simple for me. You, and a good number of your fellow teachers, saw I was capable of more. The problem is that I did all that was asked, including the extra credit assignments. Was a seven year old supposed to approach her teacher and say “this is too simple for me” or “you need to challenge me more”? I don’t remember that ever being encouraged. In fact, I think I would have been punished for being flippant if I said that. The purpose of this line of thinking isn’t to complain that my teachers failed me in some way. School has been over and done for more years than I choose to admit. This is only an example of where I got the idea that no matter how well I did, the sum of my effort would never be good enough. The Demon of Inadequacy is one of my most formidable foes. It shows up without a sound, just nudging a little fear in. There’s no real thought that forms. I just look at what I’m doing and decide it won’t be “right”, it won’t be “good”, it won’t be “enough”… so what’s the point in trying?
The logical, adult(ish) part of me says that’s a ridiculous way to think. I’m still working on believing it only really matters if I give whatever it is a fair shot. I need to believe it in the same way that I know it’s raining and I’m not expected to make it stop. If I didn’t do something right, then so what? I’m not attempting anything of real consequence— no one will be hurt, killed, or even really disappointed if I don’t get whatever I’m doing “right”. What I’ve actually accomplished is that I’ve mastered the art of self-sabotage. I’ve become so good at this that it doesn’t even require a conscious thought to end a project. I’ve been paying attention to my psychiatrist and I’ve learned a lot about myself in 16 years of therapy; I could have bet money on my triple crown of predictions.
At mid June, literally the 15th, I was at 25,160 words. I’m typing this on June 27th. I don’t know if it’ll be posted tonight or tomorrow just yet. The number of words here, as of this sentence, is 796. That brings my total word count for 27 days to 33,796 (without counting any edits as I type here… don’t go counting words on me, please). I can honestly say I haven’t written this much in one month in decades. I’ll continue to write each day until the end of the month (and probably beyond) but I will not make the 50k word goal. I’m seeing posts by others who are participating in this challenge, already admitting defeat and explaining why they didn’t meet the goal (and, if you’re wondering, there have been plenty of writers who have surpassed the 50k mark… I am impressed by and in awe of these individuals). I am torn between the need to justify why I will not make 50k and knowing that it really doesn’t matter. My goal was truly to write and write intensely. I made time for it, I worked at it, and I didn’t give up, even when I had good reason to. So prediction # 3? A little itty bitty tiny check. There were three days I didn’t write, or didn’t write very much, as a result of my fear. Today was almost one of them. I was able to send the demon to back to hell. I’m probably being too hard on myself for even acknowledging a tiny check for #3. I think it’s important for me to recognize that I had fearful days. It’ll help me to remember that it doesn’t matter. It’ll help me to remember that I didn’t really give up.
I’m disappointed I won’t make the 50k mark— I don’t think it’s physically possible for me to type that much unless it’s all nonsense. I adjusted my official expectations to 40k about a week ago and that’s what I’ll work towards these next few days. It’ll be a challenge… but it won’t be a statement of my worth.
Total count for this post before edits: 1128.
Total count for the day: 2016
*WIP= Work In Progress
## Edit: Super special shout out to Erin Jeffreys Hodges for her encouragement. She's a fabulous person with a knack for lifting spirits and putting things in perspective.
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